hasten the day, Lord

The day that my plane landed in America from Thailand two months ago was the day that my grandmother was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease.  Let me save you the trouble of google-ing it-- the disease is a slow breakdown of the central nervous system that steals away a person's voluntary motor functioning, such as walking and talking and swallowing.... until eventually, the chest cavity can no longer rise and fall to allow breath.

It is a terminal diagnosis.

I've been living with my grandma these past couple of months, partly because I planned to live with her anyway, and partly to help take care of her.  When I first moved in, she spoke with a bit of a slur and was weak, but could walk and pretty much function on her own.  Every day has shown a marked decline, and now, she can no longer walk and her speech is very difficult to understand.  This slow disease is taking over her mind and body not-so-slowly.

Every day, I mourn.

But I mourn for more than just my grandmother.  Being with her day in and day out only confirms a feeling that I have felt in my spirit for a long time now--

this is not how it was meant to be....... 

"it," meaning life.  The life and the world that God created for us-- the one that he called exceedingly good.  The one where there was nothing but righteousness, full of beauty and OUGHTness.  Honestly, even though I yearn for it, and there is this recognition deep in my heart for it, I cant even imagine such a day.  Watching a body being broken by disease only reminds me of the equal un-ought-ness of broken relationships, broken hearts, broken people...

And it makes me hate, hate, hate the thief that comes to steal and kill and destroy.

Every day, I mourn.

And then I remember this at the very end....

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."  And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. 

 And I pray, "hasten the day, Lord... in your mercy and kindness."  Not just for her, but for me... and for you, and for all of us.

All I can say is, I am learning to praise the Lord in truth for the hope of redemption that he gives to us.  A chance to be made new, a place that is as it ought to be, righteous souls, the communion of saints... beauty I cannot fathom.  Beauty I hope for.

2 questions

A couple of weeks ago, I visited a church in downtown Kansas City called Redeemer Fellowship.  I knew that I would be returning to the church as soon as I saw there was a banjo in the worship band... ;)  It turned out that I really enjoyed the teaching as well as the worship.  During the sermon, the preacher kind of made a side note about reading the Bible...  He said that someone once upon a time gave him this advice in his early Christian days-- on each page of Scripture, you should ask yourself these two questions:

1)  Who is in control?

2)  Is that good news?

Two simple questions with such deep, eternal implications.  I have found myself mulling these questions over in the past two weeks since visiting Redeemer, applying them not only to the pages of Scripture, but also to the pages of my life. 

The chapter that I am living out right now has been in such a constant state of flux and confusion.  During these page-days, pain is often great and understanding is often little.  Not very many things make sense to me right now, and it has been incredibly easy for me to forget the Lord's sovereignty.  Tonight, while reading through the book of Nehemiah, I was struck by how in control God was over it all, and what good news that was for the city of Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord for encouragement through His word.

Whether I can see it or feel it or not, the Lord is always in control of my story.  And that is very, very good news, because the way that the Father writes stories always ends so beautifully.

breathless expectation

I have been home from Thailand for exactly two weeks now.  Although I do miss many things and many people from Thailand, it feels good and right to be home.  The last year was a very challenging and growth-filled experience.  There were many times of confusion and uncertainty in which the Lord was my only comfort.  As a result, my faith was increased and I now feel much more certain of God than I did a year ago.  Certain of his love, his provision, and his sovereignty to accomplish his will.  Ironically, though, I am much LESS certain than I thought I would be of how the events of my life will actually play out.

Although I have some ideas about where and how to serve the Lord in the future, the immediate season of my life is still extremely uncertain.  In the last fourteen days, I have slept in 8 different places.  I do not know where I will live, where I will work, or how I will get to work once I (hopefully) secure a job. 

But as stressful as that sounds, I have actually felt unbelievably peaceful.  In the same way that the Lord assured me of his plan and purpose in my life when I first moved to Thailand, he has been faithful to grant me that same peace during this transition back as well. 

Oswald Chambers has helped me to gain this perspective:

To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness, it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. Immediately we abandon to God, and do the duty that lies nearest, He packs our life with surprises all the time. When we become advocates of a creed, something dies; we do not believe God, we only believe our belief about Him. Jesus said, "Except ye become as little children." Spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, but uncertain of what He is going to do next. If we are only certain in our beliefs, we get dignified and severe and have the ban of finality about our views; but when we are rightly related to God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy.

My Father in heaven has promised me good.  He has invited me to take part in his story of redemption.  I trust him at his word.  I trust his plan.  I trust his provision.  I trust his power to accomplish his will, even though I have no idea what any of it will look like.  And I endeavor each day to continue seeking, continue trusting, and and to do the duty that lies nearest, with breathless expectation of whatever God will teach me, wherever he will lead me.

How great and how good is the Master we serve!  In his love alone do I rest and hope.

no more ardent wish

I first heard this spoken word, originally written by Henri Boudin, in a sermon by my friend Natalie Graf in 2009.  I was reminded of the excerpt again in November of last year listening to the same sermon online.  Since re-hearing it in November, I have read through, prayed through, and learned from these beautiful words.  I have listened to Natalie's voice and transcribed the words into my journal over and over, trying to soak in the wisdom of them.  I think that it captures the essence of what the Lord has been trying to teach me during this season in Thailand, and I thought they were too good not to share with you all.

"What an honor, and how glorious it is, to be in the service of so Great, so Good a Master.  The condition of the least of His servants is incomparably greater than that of the kings of the earth.  For their greatness and prosperity finish with their lives, but the servants of God finish with their lives the pains and trials they've had to suffer in his service.  And after that, they find an eternal happiness and immortal crowns awaiting them.  It is then reasonable what the royal prophet assures us: that one day they spend in His house and in His service is better than a thousand days spent elsewhere.

It is true that all men esteem and love to be great.  They do not think wherein the true greatness lies... They deem it to be a great honor to be in the service of royalty.  They pay heavy sums to be deemed the head of the firm.  But they take little pains to be a servant of God-- and what is more grievous, often blush at the idea of fulfilling their duties of His service.

Happy are the Christians who feel the honor and acknowledge the grace which God has bestowed upon them when he has received them as his servants.  Oh! What a Good Master we have!  How magnificent are His promises!  How faithful He is to carry them out!  How liberal are His rewards!  If all men knew what it was to be a servant of God, they would have no more ardent wish or aspire to a higher honor than to be reckoned among the number of His faithful servants.

Oh Lord, my heart is filled with bitter grief when I call to mind the years of my past life... Alas!  Far from having employed them in Thy service, I am one of those unfaithful servants who have had my own self-interest in view.  However, because you are my Lord and King, I this day take an oath of allegiance and from henceforth swear that my wish is to live and to die in Thy service.

Thine be the glory and the honor and the power forever and ever.  Amen."

If all men knew... they would have no more ardent wish?  Wow.  I don't know about you, but in mulling this over, God has gently shown me plenty of things that I wish for much more ardently than Himself.  It is humbling.  Convicting.  Overwhelming to realize that it was not the Lord I wanted all along, but only what he gave to me.  Alas!  I am one of those unfaithful servants.

Praise God, praise God, PRAISE GOD! for grace. For undeserved love and kindness.  For forgiveness.  Praise be to God for the honor of servanthood.

Oswald and life lessons

A couple of weeks ago, Oswald Chambers (author of My Utmost for His Highest) suggested that I look back to what I was doing and learning this time last year, so that I could compare and see how far the Lord has brought me.  I have been a journaler for quite some time now, so I dug back two journals ago to see what I prayed during the last week of March.

Lo and behold, the only entry from that week: brief sermon notes from Dana Bruxvoort's sermon on Romans 8, followed by a lengthy prayer begging for the Lord to wake me up.  In looking back and rereading my words, I can see clearly the deadness I felt in my heart and haziness I felt in my soul for so long... I longed to love as the Lord instructs us to love, to wake up and LIVE how the Lord desires us to live.  The wisdom Dana shared was an important step among many in my journey to really come awake-- which, incidentally, was the inspiration for the name of this blog. 

I was glad Oswald suggested I look back, because it made the week into a very good one.  Like an Indian summer-- a week of warm in the midst of cold.  A week of joy and right-ness in the midst of many weeks of pain and confusion.


After I re-read the notes on Dana's sermon, I wrote the following entry into my current journal.  It is in the voice of the Lord, speaking His truth to me.  It is nothing super-revelatory.  It is pretty much regurgitated verses-- verses that have shaped me in the last year:

"He who loses his life for my sake will find it.  But look!  I am doing a new thing.  Do you not perceive it?  It is rising up with the dawn.  The first shall be last and the last shall be first.  Seek first my kingdom and all of these things will be given to you as well.  No eye has seen and no ear has heard how absolutely good are the things that I am preparing for those who love me.  I am the Good Shepherd.  My sheep hear my voice and they listen to me.  They go in and out by the gate and find pasture.  I go before them, laying my life down for the sheep."

I know that I am not wise.  But I think that if there is one paramount lesson of the Gospel of Jesus, it is this:  God does not work in ways reasonable to man.  The economy of the Kingdom of Heaven is GRACE and WONDER, not some Earthly system that is based only on the safe or the explicable.  The Gospel is paradox, and God's love is completely nonsensical.

My faith has been, and I believe it will always continue to be, a never-ending confession of how utterly mysterious the Lord is.  I confess that there is much I do not understand.  All I know is that, as Oswald so kindly pointed out, I continue to be changed.

Here is a Seryn song for you, called "We Will All be Changed."  It is about life lessons.  "We can shape but can't control these possibilities to grow, weeds amongst the push and pull, waiting on the wind to take us..."

If you have not done so in awhile, I suggest a quick look back at the past to see how far the Lord has brought you, and how far he wishes to take you in the future.

life will leave you thirsty

As a freshman at Truman State, I slowly but surely got involved in a group called Campus Christian Fellowship.  At first, it seemed kind of big and annoying, but I kept finding myself drawn back.  And by spring, I felt comfortable enough with the group of 300+ to head to Georgia on a week-long Spring Break service trip.

There are these faith-moments in which I can recall being in the presence of the Holy.  God steps into time, and time stops...  The Spirit invades the heart, and the heart stops, but beats all the harder.  I'm drowning, but I'm breathing.  Times when the Lord comes down, and the earth melts...

The experience of God.  The infiltrating of the Spirit.  An encounter with Jesus Himself.

That freshman spring break trip, Thursday night, worship after the speaker.  We sang out this song together, written by Chase Carlisle, a college acquaintance of mine: "Holy God, wash over us with swells of mercy, a cleansing flood.  Healing Water, bring life again, freeing hearts from the chains of sin..."

All went black and all went bright.  My voice faltered and my hands raised.  Tears fell down and my gaze turned upward.  I could not have told you then why the lyrics spoke to me so deeply, why the melody stripped me bare and clothed me new in a room full of people.  But somehow, and for some reason beyond my control, I felt like I was standing, breathing, washed in the very Spirit of God-- known deeply, loved purely, forgiven endlessly.

Even now, as I recount the instance, I still marvel at it.  But, I think I finally have an explanation for my response.  And it comes from the story of the woman at the well.

John chapter 4.  Jesus is traveling.  But he takes a less-traveled route-- goes out of his way, to meet up with a woman who comes alone to draw water from Jacob's well at noonday.  It is no accident. It is a pursuit.  He asks the woman for a drink... and in doing so, makes this statement: I view you as someone I am not afraid to touch.  He offers to give her living water.  That's give-- not barter, trade, force, demand.  But give.  The woman realizes during the course of the conversation that Jesus is there to offer her something better than what she came to get for herself.

But Jesus does something strange.  He says to her, "bring back your husband,"  knowing that she does not have one.  In fact, knowing that she has had five husbands, and is now living with a man she is not married to.  Just as the woman was leaning in, Jesus digs deep into the flesh and touches the most painful nerve.  The nerve of her thirst.  The thirst she has sought to satisfy her entire life, but has not been able to quench.  When Jesus touches the nerve, he exposes the raw and painful truth:

Life will leave you thirsty.

But Jesus does not just drag up the pain.  He also reveals himself to her... "I AM HE."  The Messiah.  The Truth-giver.  The thirst-quencher.  And the woman, all alone at the well, stops. in. her. tracks.  She sets the water jug down-- the thing that represents her ongoing thirst.  In realizing that her life has left her very thirsty indeed, she chooses to embrace the reality of who Jesus is and what he is offering her.

I imagine that the earth melted around her.  Somehow, and for some reason beyond her control, she found herself standing, breathing, washed in the very Spirit of God-- known deeply, loved purely, forgiven endlessly.

When I studied this story recently, I thought of that Thursday night in Georgia.  At the age of only 18, life had left me thirsty.  So thirsty.  I had tried in vain to quench my own thirst by gratifying the desires of the flesh.  I still try in vain...  But that night, to the voices of the Shachner sisters singing, in a room filled with worshiping hearts, Jesus went out of his way to meet me.  To reveal himself to me.

I could feel my thirst like never before, and as soon as I felt it, Healing Water washed over me.  With swells of mercy.  A cleansing flood.  Life welled up within me, and my heart was freed from the chains of sin.

As a campus minster, I see thirsty lives all around me.  Young people just like myself, who are seeking the thing that will quench the deep-nerve, soul-thirst.  Trying to figure out what is good, what is right, what is healing, what is satisfying.  And THIS is what I rest in, rejoice in, hope in everyday:  Jesus pursues.  Jesus encounters.  Jesus reveals.  Jesus quenches.

the things I love

Fresh fruit.  All the time.  Pineapple, apples, strawberries, mango, papaya, pomelo, watermelon, oranges, bananas, mangosteen, guava...

The fruit lady, who always smiles, and who works way too hard for the living that she makes.  I hope that my very limited, non-verbal, daily interactions with her somehow bring light and cheer into her life.  Because she certainly makes my day every time I stop at her stand.

CHAA YEN.  Literally translated "tea cold."  Thai milk tea.  Orange.  Super sweet.  Super cheap.  Super delicious.  It has been my sustenance these many months, and I fully intend to replicate it in the States.

Butt sprayers in bathrooms... Yes, I know.  It sounds really weird.  And it took me quite awhile to come around to them myself.  But alas, I have come to deeply appreciate the convenience and freshness of a quick spray.  And, they double as the perfect weapon to fend off ants and spiders that may invade the bathroom.

Never having to guess what the weather will be like.  Hot.  Humid.  Possibility of showers in the afternoon or evening (...especially if we are having a Grapevine event).

Song thaew.  Literally translated "two rows."  It is a form of public transportation in Thailand-- a pick up truck with two rows of seating in the back, covered by a topper.  I love to drive/ride in vehicles with the windows down, and this is about as open-air as it gets.  It is so non-Amercian... I feel like I am on an adventure every time I ride one.

Cheap earrings.

Freedom from social expectation.  In Thailand, I can be whoever I want to be, dress however I want to dress, look and act however I want to look and act... and no one will think it is weird!  Because I am a farang, translated "foreigner," people already expect me to be different, and do not judge me for when I do actually behave differently.  This means I can dance and sing to Colors of the Wind in front of a large group of people without being embarrassed.  I can go running with my shirt tucked in and not feel like a nerd for doing so.  I can stop to take pictures anywhere I want (within reason), and people will just assume I am a tourist.  It is very freeing to not be bothered at all by what other people are going to think of me in social situations.

Thai massages.  Very cheap.  Very wonderful.

Being amused by everything.  I don't really know how to explain why, but everything cracks me up... everything from observing the relationship dynamic between our generous landlord and his crazy wife, to the dogs and cats and birds and lizards that live around our apartment building, to the fact that every building has a bajillion unnecessary security guards, to Thai music bumping in the taxi cabs, to the ridiculous cartoon charms that people wear on their belts, to the highly specialized shops that sell just pillows or just pens and pencils or just reed diffusers...  the list could go on and on.  I laugh to myself A LOT.

Living in such close proximity to my workplace.  Morning commute = walk downstairs.

My church.  Evangelical Church of Bangkok.  It is such a Spirit-filled, Truth-teaching, globally-minded place of worship.  I have been filled by fellowship with the congregation and the friends I have found there.

Yi sip haa baht.  Literally, "twenty five baht."  The name by which we fondly refer to the Thai food restaurant in our building-- actually named Aunt Boon's Restaurant, or something like that.  Just about every dish you can order is 25 baht (or at least it used to be until after the flood when they newly renovated the dining space, and prices increased to 30 baht).  That is about a dollar a plate for the best Thai food in Thailand.  We are blessed.

How just about every Grapevine event turns into either A) Disney karaoke, or B) a dance party.

And so much more....  Be expecting further installments as I get closer and closer to leaving...