fast forward.

I am a note-taker.  I journal often, scribble my way through sermons, write down verses on pieces of paper to stick in my Bible (where I could just as easily look it up).  If I don't write it down, I usually wont remember it.  Last night, I was looking through a journal from my sophomore year of college to find song lyrics that I remembered writing.  I did not find the lyrics, but I did stumble upon something else...

On March 21st, 2009, Derrick James Rohr III taught a sermon about Jesus as the Humble Deliverer in Mark 11:1-11.  It was a series aimed at answering Jesus' question: "Who do you say I am?"  From these verses, Derrick taught that this picture of the Passion Jesus is the heart of all "Jesus'."  Jesus rides a baby donkey into the city, yet he is still recognized as the Messiah.  It is a climactic moment when Jesus shows great humility, submission, and obedience, but is also considered one of great power and strength.  Jesus had such a quietness about what he was sent to do that nothing else mattered.  We also have access to the power and strength of God just as Jesus did, only by humility, submission, and obedience.  If we accept what Jesus did, we will live a humble and quiet life by the Spirit, which will give us strength and confidence in the Lord.

Later that day, I prayed this:
"Jesus, I ask to learn to know you as my humble deliverer.  I want to learn to be humble, to submit to you, to offer you my devotion.  And from this I ask that you would give me a quiet confidence and strength in you.  I admit, Lord, that I am too unacquainted with the kind of humility that marked your life.  Show me what to do to become that humble."

Fast forward.

I dont feel like looking through my notes for the specific date and topic, but I do remember one Wednesday night at CCF quite well.  Reed Dent talked about how he could know and be confident of the presence of the Holy Spirit in his life because he could see the gradual transformation from darkness to light over the course of time.  He is no longer the same man now that he was before.  Yes, there are some defining moments of faith that are memorable and important, but overall, the work of the Spirit is one that requires long-term abiding.  And the sum of it all-- of all the daily seeking, breathing out of self, and breathing in of the Spirit-- is a changed, new man.  A man who thinks and behaves and loves and learns in a new and better way than he did before.

I remember longing for that perspective during his sermon.  I could see and feel Reed's freedom and joy in being made new-- in being made less like himself and more like Jesus.  I remember praying for faithfulness in abiding, that one day I may also see the work of the Spirit changing my heart over time as Reed talked about in his own heart.

Fast forward.

A couple weeks before I left for Thailand, my dear friend Meegan Hand gave me a book called Humility by Andrew Murray.  As the title indicates, it is about humility.  I have been reading through it slowly, trying hard to soak in all the wisdom it has to offer.  A lot of it is definitely way over my head, but like Meegan, the Lord is using the book to change my heart and my prayer life.  Some of the highlights of the book that have been rocking my world as of late:
-"The life God bestows is imparted not once and for all, but each moment continuously, by the unceasing operation of his mighty power."
-"We must seek a humility that will rest in nothing less than the end and death of self... that seeks the honor that comes from God alone, which absolutely makes and counts itself nothing so that God may be all."
-"Our one need is humility.  Let us believe that what He shows, He gives; what He is, He imparts.  As the meek and lowly Lamb of God, He will come and dwell in the longing heart."
-"The insignificances of daily life are the importances and the tests of eternity because they prove what Spirit really possesses us...  Our humility before God has no value except that it prepares us to reveal the humility of Jesus to our fellow men."
-"The power of a perfect love forgets itself and finds its blessedness in blessing others-- in bearing with and honoring them, however feeble we or they may be."

In this season, I am experiencing many emotions and trials that I have experienced in the past.  In fact, much of my circumstance now is similar to what it was in 2009 around the time of Derrick's sermon.  But the remarkable thing is that I have noticed how different my heart feels this time around than it did then.  As I try to find my place in a new environment, as I nurse a hurting heart over broken relationship and lost fellowship, as I face fundamental questions of the absolute truth and meaning of life, as I attempt to form holy relationships with the people God pre-determined to be a part of my story, I am overwhelmed by His abiding peace.  My soul now has a quiet strength and confidence in the Lord's plan and purpose and sovereignty which was not there before.  Which has never really been there before. 

I feel now, as I prayed for then on the day of Derrick's sermon, that the Spirit really is enabling me to be humble, to submit, to offer devotion-- and find strength in it all.  I see now, as Reed expressed on that Wendesday night, that a transformation has taken place within me... and is still taking place as I abide in Him.  And I seek now, as Meegan has shown me how to do, to continue to allow the Lord to make me new.

Today, I am astounded by the beautiful story my Lord has written for me.