hard stuff

There have been a lot of things on my heart and mind lately.  Difficult things.  Painful, confusing, challenging, saddening, eye-opening.......  I find myself thinking/praying/journaling in exasperation  "whew... this is some hard stuff."

But it is also quite revealing.  These are the shaping moments of my life.  These moments--the hardest ones-- are the ones in which I get to grow and learn more about myself and the Lord.  And for that, I am thankful.  I am thankful to have questions that I cannot answer.  I am thankful that not everything in my life can be explained right now.  I am thankful to be in uncharted waters, where the only navigation I have is the Holy Spirit within me.  The Spirit, the breathe of God, that fills and cleanses and gives and dwells.  The Spirit, which I cling to.

It's hard.  But some of the most difficult moments of our lives are also the most beautiful.  For me, it is beautiful because I feel.  Truly, in my core, deep down, I am feeling my experiences.  I am alive, aware, engaged....  I am awake.

And I have the hard stuff to thank for that.

I've been listening to a song that talks about difficult things.... "This isn't easy, this isn't clear... and you don't need Jesus 'til you're here.. then confusion and the doubts you had up and walk away, they walk away.."  I think I would have to agree with the singer.  It is hard to grasp the strength and goodness of the Lord until you realize how weak you really are.  And when you do realize it, there is great freedom.