it must have been worth the risk

I do not claim to be wise.  I am by no means a theologian.  But I do have faith, and that faith sometimes brings me to difficult places.  There are things about God and his plan that I just do not understand.  There are parts of the Bible that do not make sense to me.  At times, it is very hard to trust who I know God to be.

Let me be really vulnerable and honest with you...  I confess that it has been hard lately for me to trust that God is all good.

As I lean in closer and closer to the Lord, I lose more and more control over my own life.  He asks for it from me, and I cannot help but give it to him.  It is freeing, yes, in the times when my soul is sure of God's absolute goodness.  But in the times when suffering is great and understanding is little, it is terrifying to continue to lean closer still, handing over my heart and my desires.  I find myself shrinking back, withdrawing my hand from the Lord's, afraid to continue walking with him-- because what if God is taking me somewhere I do not want to go?  What if God is leading me to suffering instead of peace?  Or, in other words:

What if God is not ALL good?

And there it is... the doubt of all doubts.  I think that this is a seed of deceit that Satan plants in our minds from infancy.  It might possibly be the most dangerous lie we could ever believe.  If we doubt that God is all good, we are doubting the very principle that lies at the core of creation and even God himself.  Let me show you what I mean:

God created the world.                                                    God created the world.
+ God is all good.                                        OR              + The world contains evil.
= Therefore, the world must be all good.                            = Therefore, God must not be all good.

See how easy it is for our intellect to poke holes in God's goodness?  Neither one of these logical equations yields a conclusion that is true.  God is all good, but the world does indeed contain evil-- these are contradictory statements, which makes God's absolute goodness a paradox.  This leaves me with a more complicated, much more assuming argument than either of the first:

God is all good, all powerful, all knowing.
+ God created free will, which is the agent by which evil exists in the world.
= Therefore, God must have considered it worth the risk of evil to grant the world free will.

It must have been worth the risk.  I do not pretend that this is the entire answer to the presence of evil in the world, but I do believe that it is part of it.  Maybe it makes me simple-minded, but it is often satisfactory-enough of an answer for me to find my trust and hope in the Lord once again.  Suffering, pain, confusion, and death are all a reality... But it is Satan who comes only to seal, kill, lie, and destroy.  God is the God of Truth who comes to give us life, and give it abundantly.  If God were not all good, his promises would mean nothing.  But his promises do mean something.  I can type those words easily, believing every single one of them in my heart.  Why is it so hard, then, to practice the ruthless trust of God's goodness in my life? 

Here is what I think:  even if we trust that God is all good, that does not mean that we will always be able to understand God's perfect will and his working in our life.  Ruthless trust of God's goodness does provide strength to continue believing the Lord, but it does not take away the inevitable lack of understanding that occurs when a finite being and an infinite God enter into relationship and walk side by side.

It is not God's will that we should suffer.  It is God's will that our lives are full of good things-- that is, full of him.  When God makes promises, we must trust that the fulfillment of that promise is worth the risk that there may be suffering and confusion along the way.  God is not deceitful.  He does not play games or tricks.  His word can be trusted because his "all-goodness" is true.  And when God promises good things, we can trust him to make good on that promise.

And so, I continue to lean in closer.  I look down and realize I never really drew my hand away from the Lord, because his right hand holds me fast.  I choose not to shrink back, but to stand in the light and allow it to wash over me.  I choose to continue believing in God's goodness.

This following Jesus thing is not easy.  Trusting God is at times very difficult.  But it is oh-so-worth the risk...