fast forward.

I am a note-taker.  I journal often, scribble my way through sermons, write down verses on pieces of paper to stick in my Bible (where I could just as easily look it up).  If I don't write it down, I usually wont remember it.  Last night, I was looking through a journal from my sophomore year of college to find song lyrics that I remembered writing.  I did not find the lyrics, but I did stumble upon something else...

On March 21st, 2009, Derrick James Rohr III taught a sermon about Jesus as the Humble Deliverer in Mark 11:1-11.  It was a series aimed at answering Jesus' question: "Who do you say I am?"  From these verses, Derrick taught that this picture of the Passion Jesus is the heart of all "Jesus'."  Jesus rides a baby donkey into the city, yet he is still recognized as the Messiah.  It is a climactic moment when Jesus shows great humility, submission, and obedience, but is also considered one of great power and strength.  Jesus had such a quietness about what he was sent to do that nothing else mattered.  We also have access to the power and strength of God just as Jesus did, only by humility, submission, and obedience.  If we accept what Jesus did, we will live a humble and quiet life by the Spirit, which will give us strength and confidence in the Lord.

Later that day, I prayed this:
"Jesus, I ask to learn to know you as my humble deliverer.  I want to learn to be humble, to submit to you, to offer you my devotion.  And from this I ask that you would give me a quiet confidence and strength in you.  I admit, Lord, that I am too unacquainted with the kind of humility that marked your life.  Show me what to do to become that humble."

Fast forward.

I dont feel like looking through my notes for the specific date and topic, but I do remember one Wednesday night at CCF quite well.  Reed Dent talked about how he could know and be confident of the presence of the Holy Spirit in his life because he could see the gradual transformation from darkness to light over the course of time.  He is no longer the same man now that he was before.  Yes, there are some defining moments of faith that are memorable and important, but overall, the work of the Spirit is one that requires long-term abiding.  And the sum of it all-- of all the daily seeking, breathing out of self, and breathing in of the Spirit-- is a changed, new man.  A man who thinks and behaves and loves and learns in a new and better way than he did before.

I remember longing for that perspective during his sermon.  I could see and feel Reed's freedom and joy in being made new-- in being made less like himself and more like Jesus.  I remember praying for faithfulness in abiding, that one day I may also see the work of the Spirit changing my heart over time as Reed talked about in his own heart.

Fast forward.

A couple weeks before I left for Thailand, my dear friend Meegan Hand gave me a book called Humility by Andrew Murray.  As the title indicates, it is about humility.  I have been reading through it slowly, trying hard to soak in all the wisdom it has to offer.  A lot of it is definitely way over my head, but like Meegan, the Lord is using the book to change my heart and my prayer life.  Some of the highlights of the book that have been rocking my world as of late:
-"The life God bestows is imparted not once and for all, but each moment continuously, by the unceasing operation of his mighty power."
-"We must seek a humility that will rest in nothing less than the end and death of self... that seeks the honor that comes from God alone, which absolutely makes and counts itself nothing so that God may be all."
-"Our one need is humility.  Let us believe that what He shows, He gives; what He is, He imparts.  As the meek and lowly Lamb of God, He will come and dwell in the longing heart."
-"The insignificances of daily life are the importances and the tests of eternity because they prove what Spirit really possesses us...  Our humility before God has no value except that it prepares us to reveal the humility of Jesus to our fellow men."
-"The power of a perfect love forgets itself and finds its blessedness in blessing others-- in bearing with and honoring them, however feeble we or they may be."

In this season, I am experiencing many emotions and trials that I have experienced in the past.  In fact, much of my circumstance now is similar to what it was in 2009 around the time of Derrick's sermon.  But the remarkable thing is that I have noticed how different my heart feels this time around than it did then.  As I try to find my place in a new environment, as I nurse a hurting heart over broken relationship and lost fellowship, as I face fundamental questions of the absolute truth and meaning of life, as I attempt to form holy relationships with the people God pre-determined to be a part of my story, I am overwhelmed by His abiding peace.  My soul now has a quiet strength and confidence in the Lord's plan and purpose and sovereignty which was not there before.  Which has never really been there before. 

I feel now, as I prayed for then on the day of Derrick's sermon, that the Spirit really is enabling me to be humble, to submit, to offer devotion-- and find strength in it all.  I see now, as Reed expressed on that Wendesday night, that a transformation has taken place within me... and is still taking place as I abide in Him.  And I seek now, as Meegan has shown me how to do, to continue to allow the Lord to make me new.

Today, I am astounded by the beautiful story my Lord has written for me.

if I speak in the tongues of men

I expected that when I came here, I would learn at least a little bit of the Thai language through everyday experiences and "lessons" with my friends.  More than that, though, I have been given the opportunity to actually study the language in a structured setting.  Even though it is the middle of the semester and going to language school will take up a lot (most) of my time, it is still well worth the effort to commit my time and energy to this right now.  Yes, there are lots of students who speak English, but there are actually not very many who speak it well or confidently.  Already, there have been many times when I wish I could have spoken or understood Thai--and not just to order something with no onions, but to get to know someone better than the few questions they know how to answer: "where are you from?... what do you study?... want to play a card game?......"  Relationships can only grow so deep over Uno and Jenga.  Thai is a very difficult language-- a Sanskrit derivative, it is tonal, has its own alphabet, and uses many sounds and dipthongs that English does not.  I will by no means be fluent in a year, but for the length of time I am here, a daily part of my job and my ministry will be language learning.

Before even getting very far into language-learning, God has already given me an encouraging reminder of the power and importance that His love plays in the entire process. 
"If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have prophetic powers, understand mysteries and all knowledge; if I have the faith to move mountains but have not love, I am nothing."   -1 Corinthians 13:1-2
Quite literally, for me, if I pour myself into learning Thai-- "the tongues of men"--but do not that much moreso pour myself into loving the students I am trying to converse with, it means nothing.  It does nothing.  I am reminded of my first blog post.  The way to share light and life with others is to love them.  Genuinely, unconditionally,and urgently love.  Love, for the day is near.  Love, because it is the greatest thing that any of us can do.  Love, because it has the power to transcend culture and language.

I went to a Globalscope conference just before I came to Thailand, and someone I met there said this: "Our job is to look for where God's love is already present in other people's lives, and name it for them."  Would you pray with me that not only would I be able to love the people around me with God's love, but that I would also see his love poured out on me through those same people.  And when that happens, that I would be able to name it for them.  In any language.

A really cool part of language school is that I have to travel there by myself.  Each morning, I take a song-tow (song means "two," tow means "row"--> so, its a truck with two rows of seats in the back) to another bus stop, then I get on a van to go into the city to be dropped off at Victory Monument.  From there, I walk to get on the BTS (a sky train, similar to a subway), get off at the Ratchetewi station, then walk the rest of the way to Union Language School.  It takes about an hour and a half.  Maybe a few minutes more or less depending on if I stop at 7-eleven for a snack.  There are as many 7-elevens in Bangkok as there are Jimmy John's and Starbucks in downtown Chicago.  Combined.  No joke.  Three days a week I will go to a second language lesson in the afternoons that I can walk to from Union.  Then repeat it all to go home.  The whole process is an adventure and I thoroughly enjoy the hustle and bustle to wake me up in the morning.  I am learning my way around one of the largest cities, busiest in the world.  :)

Taken from a walking bridge around 1 PM today at Victory Monument-- a transportation hub in Bangkok.  Traffic is usually much worse than this in the morning or the evening when people travel in and out of the city.  This is a very familiar scene for me.

"I am the good shepherd"

"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep."  -John 10:9-11

I am a sheep.

I am known by my shepherd and he is known by me.  He calls me by my name and leads me out, and I listen to his voice and follow him.  One of the things I love most about this passage is that it is in the present tense.  It takes place in the "now."  It is ongoing, moment-by-moment.  This has been such a comfort to me as I have traveled such a difficult path... such an unknown path.  I also like that sheep are simple-minded animals.  I doubt that sheep sit around worrying about the future or fret over where the shepherd is leading them.  I think that most sheep are probably pretty content just to follow and let the shepherd do the work.  All that matters to a sheep in each moment is that when she looks up, the shepherd is there with her-- no matter what the terrain of the path they are on.


God is teaching me to have the heart of a sheep... and it is oh-so-freeing.. :)  He is teaching me to trust him in each moment, allowing me to focus on what is happening around me exactly where I am.  I still could not tell you why I am in Thailand, except that this is the path that the shepherd is currently leading me on.  I cannot control the future, but only react to what is placed before me today.  And today, the Lord has assured me of his presence and his sovereignty.


In many ways, I also do the work of a shepherd.  In the same passage of John, Jesus says,
"I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd."
I am here to be the light of Christ in a dark place.  I am here to allow him to work through me however he chooses to.  In Matthew 9, Jesus looks out on the crowds and 
"had compassion on them, for they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."
I also look out and have compassion for those who are helpless and harassed... for sheep such as myself who are desperately sought after by the Good Shepherd, but have not yet realized the safety of his fold.  I see the thief.. killing, stealing, destroying.  It is heart-breaking.

My prayer is that I would be able to model the Good Shepherd-- that I would truly learn to lay down my life for my fellow sheep, by his love and his strength.   And that he would continue to teach me to live fully in trust, submitting to him in each moment, by his grace.


I am making more friends here and slowly beginning to feel more like a part of the Grapevine community.  After our event on Tuesday night, my new friend Enjoy gave me a hug before she left.  It made my day.  :)  Next week I begin an intensive language study program that will require me to travel to Bangkok everyday of the week.  It will be tiring for sure, but I am excited for the adventure of it all.  :)


Thank you so much for your prayers.  Love you all.

Enjoy, me, and Lauren (an exchange student from Georgia) just before we went on a boat tour of Bangkok.  It was a splendid afternoon.  Also, I have a caramel latte in my pocket. ;)

your right hand will hold me fast

I have been in Thailand for one week.  It has gone by quickly, but it also feels like I have been here for a long time.  I have made friends with the American exchange students and even with a few Thai students.  On Thursday evening I went to an open-air market with my new friend Jub (pronounced joop) where they sell a large assortment of freshly cooked Thai food and many other goods such as clothes and jewelry.  I got chicken-on-a-stick and sticky rice.  I think I am going to like Thai food. ;)  Afterward, me and Jub and some other students went to go see Harry Potter at a movie theater in a mall.  It was a good evening and I look forward to spending many more in the same way.

Me and Jub eating dinner before the movie.  You can tell how hot it is by the sweat dripping off my face.

This week has been full of many different thoughts and emotions.  Before I actually got here, I always thought of this year in Thailand as an opportunity to serve in the Kingdom where there is a need.  It is not like God dropped a map of Thailand out of the sky and I felt an overwhelming calling to come here.  It just felt like a choice that I made-- an attempt, rather, to take a risk and allow the Lord to use my weakness.  Of course, God's plan and purpose is in every choice I make, but it has been hard this week to see his purpose in sending me to a place that does not feel like home and that is so far away from the relationships I hold most dear to me.  I have struggled this week with trusting God to take care of my heart in this season of challenge.

Today, I was brave enough to venture out on my own.  I didn't go very far... just to the Thammasat University campus nearby where most of the students who come to Grapevine go to college.  On my walk to campus, I found myself asking "God, what am I doing here?..."  I went to the post office then sat down at some tables nearby to journal and pray, asking God the same question and waiting for an answer.  I am a fidgeter, so naturally, I chewed on my pen and took off my rings while I looked around me, taking in my surroundings.  I looked down at the ring in my hand and was surprised by what I saw-- something I had never noticed.  It is a ring that my mom gave me for my sixteenth birthday and that I do not normally wear.  I just so happened to pick it out of my jewelry box as I was packing for Thailand to replace a blue plastic ring I had that broke.

Engraved on the inside of the ring:  "Thailand."

Wow.  Immediately, Psalm 139 came to my mind:

You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways. 
Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

It was as if the Lord were saying to me "Grace, I knew about this.  I planned this.  You are exactly where I want you to be.  I have a purpose for you here and I promise that I am with you.  I hold you by my right hand and I will never let you go.  Trust me."

It is such a good feeling to know that God is in control, even when I have no idea why or how or what he is doing.  All that matters is that he is with me.  It was a wonderful moment. :)  I want to thank you for your prayers.  Please continue to pray with me that I would be confident of the Lord's purpose for me here in the Land of Smiles.

Pray that I would be awake.