breathless expectation

I have been home from Thailand for exactly two weeks now.  Although I do miss many things and many people from Thailand, it feels good and right to be home.  The last year was a very challenging and growth-filled experience.  There were many times of confusion and uncertainty in which the Lord was my only comfort.  As a result, my faith was increased and I now feel much more certain of God than I did a year ago.  Certain of his love, his provision, and his sovereignty to accomplish his will.  Ironically, though, I am much LESS certain than I thought I would be of how the events of my life will actually play out.

Although I have some ideas about where and how to serve the Lord in the future, the immediate season of my life is still extremely uncertain.  In the last fourteen days, I have slept in 8 different places.  I do not know where I will live, where I will work, or how I will get to work once I (hopefully) secure a job. 

But as stressful as that sounds, I have actually felt unbelievably peaceful.  In the same way that the Lord assured me of his plan and purpose in my life when I first moved to Thailand, he has been faithful to grant me that same peace during this transition back as well. 

Oswald Chambers has helped me to gain this perspective:

To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness, it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. Immediately we abandon to God, and do the duty that lies nearest, He packs our life with surprises all the time. When we become advocates of a creed, something dies; we do not believe God, we only believe our belief about Him. Jesus said, "Except ye become as little children." Spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, but uncertain of what He is going to do next. If we are only certain in our beliefs, we get dignified and severe and have the ban of finality about our views; but when we are rightly related to God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy.

My Father in heaven has promised me good.  He has invited me to take part in his story of redemption.  I trust him at his word.  I trust his plan.  I trust his provision.  I trust his power to accomplish his will, even though I have no idea what any of it will look like.  And I endeavor each day to continue seeking, continue trusting, and and to do the duty that lies nearest, with breathless expectation of whatever God will teach me, wherever he will lead me.

How great and how good is the Master we serve!  In his love alone do I rest and hope.

no more ardent wish

I first heard this spoken word, originally written by Henri Boudin, in a sermon by my friend Natalie Graf in 2009.  I was reminded of the excerpt again in November of last year listening to the same sermon online.  Since re-hearing it in November, I have read through, prayed through, and learned from these beautiful words.  I have listened to Natalie's voice and transcribed the words into my journal over and over, trying to soak in the wisdom of them.  I think that it captures the essence of what the Lord has been trying to teach me during this season in Thailand, and I thought they were too good not to share with you all.

"What an honor, and how glorious it is, to be in the service of so Great, so Good a Master.  The condition of the least of His servants is incomparably greater than that of the kings of the earth.  For their greatness and prosperity finish with their lives, but the servants of God finish with their lives the pains and trials they've had to suffer in his service.  And after that, they find an eternal happiness and immortal crowns awaiting them.  It is then reasonable what the royal prophet assures us: that one day they spend in His house and in His service is better than a thousand days spent elsewhere.

It is true that all men esteem and love to be great.  They do not think wherein the true greatness lies... They deem it to be a great honor to be in the service of royalty.  They pay heavy sums to be deemed the head of the firm.  But they take little pains to be a servant of God-- and what is more grievous, often blush at the idea of fulfilling their duties of His service.

Happy are the Christians who feel the honor and acknowledge the grace which God has bestowed upon them when he has received them as his servants.  Oh! What a Good Master we have!  How magnificent are His promises!  How faithful He is to carry them out!  How liberal are His rewards!  If all men knew what it was to be a servant of God, they would have no more ardent wish or aspire to a higher honor than to be reckoned among the number of His faithful servants.

Oh Lord, my heart is filled with bitter grief when I call to mind the years of my past life... Alas!  Far from having employed them in Thy service, I am one of those unfaithful servants who have had my own self-interest in view.  However, because you are my Lord and King, I this day take an oath of allegiance and from henceforth swear that my wish is to live and to die in Thy service.

Thine be the glory and the honor and the power forever and ever.  Amen."

If all men knew... they would have no more ardent wish?  Wow.  I don't know about you, but in mulling this over, God has gently shown me plenty of things that I wish for much more ardently than Himself.  It is humbling.  Convicting.  Overwhelming to realize that it was not the Lord I wanted all along, but only what he gave to me.  Alas!  I am one of those unfaithful servants.

Praise God, praise God, PRAISE GOD! for grace. For undeserved love and kindness.  For forgiveness.  Praise be to God for the honor of servanthood.