life will leave you thirsty

As a freshman at Truman State, I slowly but surely got involved in a group called Campus Christian Fellowship.  At first, it seemed kind of big and annoying, but I kept finding myself drawn back.  And by spring, I felt comfortable enough with the group of 300+ to head to Georgia on a week-long Spring Break service trip.

There are these faith-moments in which I can recall being in the presence of the Holy.  God steps into time, and time stops...  The Spirit invades the heart, and the heart stops, but beats all the harder.  I'm drowning, but I'm breathing.  Times when the Lord comes down, and the earth melts...

The experience of God.  The infiltrating of the Spirit.  An encounter with Jesus Himself.

That freshman spring break trip, Thursday night, worship after the speaker.  We sang out this song together, written by Chase Carlisle, a college acquaintance of mine: "Holy God, wash over us with swells of mercy, a cleansing flood.  Healing Water, bring life again, freeing hearts from the chains of sin..."

All went black and all went bright.  My voice faltered and my hands raised.  Tears fell down and my gaze turned upward.  I could not have told you then why the lyrics spoke to me so deeply, why the melody stripped me bare and clothed me new in a room full of people.  But somehow, and for some reason beyond my control, I felt like I was standing, breathing, washed in the very Spirit of God-- known deeply, loved purely, forgiven endlessly.

Even now, as I recount the instance, I still marvel at it.  But, I think I finally have an explanation for my response.  And it comes from the story of the woman at the well.

John chapter 4.  Jesus is traveling.  But he takes a less-traveled route-- goes out of his way, to meet up with a woman who comes alone to draw water from Jacob's well at noonday.  It is no accident. It is a pursuit.  He asks the woman for a drink... and in doing so, makes this statement: I view you as someone I am not afraid to touch.  He offers to give her living water.  That's give-- not barter, trade, force, demand.  But give.  The woman realizes during the course of the conversation that Jesus is there to offer her something better than what she came to get for herself.

But Jesus does something strange.  He says to her, "bring back your husband,"  knowing that she does not have one.  In fact, knowing that she has had five husbands, and is now living with a man she is not married to.  Just as the woman was leaning in, Jesus digs deep into the flesh and touches the most painful nerve.  The nerve of her thirst.  The thirst she has sought to satisfy her entire life, but has not been able to quench.  When Jesus touches the nerve, he exposes the raw and painful truth:

Life will leave you thirsty.

But Jesus does not just drag up the pain.  He also reveals himself to her... "I AM HE."  The Messiah.  The Truth-giver.  The thirst-quencher.  And the woman, all alone at the well, stops. in. her. tracks.  She sets the water jug down-- the thing that represents her ongoing thirst.  In realizing that her life has left her very thirsty indeed, she chooses to embrace the reality of who Jesus is and what he is offering her.

I imagine that the earth melted around her.  Somehow, and for some reason beyond her control, she found herself standing, breathing, washed in the very Spirit of God-- known deeply, loved purely, forgiven endlessly.

When I studied this story recently, I thought of that Thursday night in Georgia.  At the age of only 18, life had left me thirsty.  So thirsty.  I had tried in vain to quench my own thirst by gratifying the desires of the flesh.  I still try in vain...  But that night, to the voices of the Shachner sisters singing, in a room filled with worshiping hearts, Jesus went out of his way to meet me.  To reveal himself to me.

I could feel my thirst like never before, and as soon as I felt it, Healing Water washed over me.  With swells of mercy.  A cleansing flood.  Life welled up within me, and my heart was freed from the chains of sin.

As a campus minster, I see thirsty lives all around me.  Young people just like myself, who are seeking the thing that will quench the deep-nerve, soul-thirst.  Trying to figure out what is good, what is right, what is healing, what is satisfying.  And THIS is what I rest in, rejoice in, hope in everyday:  Jesus pursues.  Jesus encounters.  Jesus reveals.  Jesus quenches.

the things I love

Fresh fruit.  All the time.  Pineapple, apples, strawberries, mango, papaya, pomelo, watermelon, oranges, bananas, mangosteen, guava...

The fruit lady, who always smiles, and who works way too hard for the living that she makes.  I hope that my very limited, non-verbal, daily interactions with her somehow bring light and cheer into her life.  Because she certainly makes my day every time I stop at her stand.

CHAA YEN.  Literally translated "tea cold."  Thai milk tea.  Orange.  Super sweet.  Super cheap.  Super delicious.  It has been my sustenance these many months, and I fully intend to replicate it in the States.

Butt sprayers in bathrooms... Yes, I know.  It sounds really weird.  And it took me quite awhile to come around to them myself.  But alas, I have come to deeply appreciate the convenience and freshness of a quick spray.  And, they double as the perfect weapon to fend off ants and spiders that may invade the bathroom.

Never having to guess what the weather will be like.  Hot.  Humid.  Possibility of showers in the afternoon or evening (...especially if we are having a Grapevine event).

Song thaew.  Literally translated "two rows."  It is a form of public transportation in Thailand-- a pick up truck with two rows of seating in the back, covered by a topper.  I love to drive/ride in vehicles with the windows down, and this is about as open-air as it gets.  It is so non-Amercian... I feel like I am on an adventure every time I ride one.

Cheap earrings.

Freedom from social expectation.  In Thailand, I can be whoever I want to be, dress however I want to dress, look and act however I want to look and act... and no one will think it is weird!  Because I am a farang, translated "foreigner," people already expect me to be different, and do not judge me for when I do actually behave differently.  This means I can dance and sing to Colors of the Wind in front of a large group of people without being embarrassed.  I can go running with my shirt tucked in and not feel like a nerd for doing so.  I can stop to take pictures anywhere I want (within reason), and people will just assume I am a tourist.  It is very freeing to not be bothered at all by what other people are going to think of me in social situations.

Thai massages.  Very cheap.  Very wonderful.

Being amused by everything.  I don't really know how to explain why, but everything cracks me up... everything from observing the relationship dynamic between our generous landlord and his crazy wife, to the dogs and cats and birds and lizards that live around our apartment building, to the fact that every building has a bajillion unnecessary security guards, to Thai music bumping in the taxi cabs, to the ridiculous cartoon charms that people wear on their belts, to the highly specialized shops that sell just pillows or just pens and pencils or just reed diffusers...  the list could go on and on.  I laugh to myself A LOT.

Living in such close proximity to my workplace.  Morning commute = walk downstairs.

My church.  Evangelical Church of Bangkok.  It is such a Spirit-filled, Truth-teaching, globally-minded place of worship.  I have been filled by fellowship with the congregation and the friends I have found there.

Yi sip haa baht.  Literally, "twenty five baht."  The name by which we fondly refer to the Thai food restaurant in our building-- actually named Aunt Boon's Restaurant, or something like that.  Just about every dish you can order is 25 baht (or at least it used to be until after the flood when they newly renovated the dining space, and prices increased to 30 baht).  That is about a dollar a plate for the best Thai food in Thailand.  We are blessed.

How just about every Grapevine event turns into either A) Disney karaoke, or B) a dance party.

And so much more....  Be expecting further installments as I get closer and closer to leaving...

looking up

Dear reader,

Sorry I've been gone for so long.  Maybe you noticed?  Maybe not... I'm not even so sure that very many people read my blog.  I think of this weird cyberspace as more of a personal letter to a few people who I would tell these things to anyway, but distance and time zones and busy lives make it hard to communicate.  But I have missed it, blogging.  During my time in here in Thailand, I have found joy in sharing my thoughts and feelings with you (all 2 of you) here.

There is something life-giving about transparency and vulnerability.  And that is just what I am looking for-- life.

The reason for my absence?  I have been unwell.  Not physically.  But emotionally.  Spiritually.  I have had trouble understanding the Lord lately... and it has left me scrambling for some semblance of peace and security to rest in.  Many days for my heart are hard and long, and the fight to control my thoughts saps all my heart-strength.

But I am on my way up...

"He who did not spare His Son, but gave him up for us all-- how will He not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"  -Romans 8:32

because of the Son.  Because Jesus is where I am finding peace and security and rest.  And I do not mean to say I rest in what Jesus has to offer, but in Jesus himself.  And how will the Father not also-- because of His goodness-- take care of all else?  Supply all else.  Give all else.

I have been listening to this song lately that my friend Aubrey shared with me: "Come on my soul, let down the walls, and sing, my soul, it's time to look up."  Simple lyrics, but so beautifully captivating... alluring... drawing me closer to Truth.  The more I listen to this song, the more I can feel my soul being coaxed into the light.  Into the Son, that is.

I think that much of my confusion and unwell-ness lately has come from looking back-- or forward, for that matter-- when all that is necessary is to look up.

Another source of encouragement has come from this blog post by my dear friend Dana:  "I’ve been asking the Lord to uproot and untangle the mess of thoughts and hopes that is my head and my heart – to take his Masterful hands and loosen, free and clean up every root that’s grasping to stay in its place. I want to stop digging my roots into the old, dried, cracked soil so that He can replant me in the fertile, nutrient-rich soil that will allow this plant to grow and thrive…to spread out its roots by the stream, fed by the Living Water. But to do this, it’s time to stop looking back."

It's time to start looking up.