my daddy

So, I was on facebook and I clicked on a link to a youtube video which boasted the best marriage proposal ever.  It was indeed cool.  But then once I was on youtube, it was hard for me to pull myself away (anyone who knows me knows I am a youtube junkie).  I clicked on related link after related link on the side of the page, and before I knew it, I was crying my eyes out watching videos of families reuniting.  I felt like my mom.

Most of the videos went like this:  daddy was away at war and comes home early, little girl is sitting in her first grade classroom, daddy walks in, little girl sees him and is barely able to squeak out any word but “Daddy,” little girl runs straight for him, daddy opens his arms, daddy and little girl tearfully and happily embrace.

It got me thinking…. First, about my own Dad.  About what a good father he is and how much I love him and how I cannot wait to see him.  I can guarantee you that no matter what time it is or what the weather is like, my Dad will be among the faces welcoming me home from Thailand when I arrive at the Kansas City airport.  No matter what the cost or inconvenience to him, he will be there.  You see, my Dad is a selfless man—he has loved me since before I even knew what love was.  And he might not know it, but my Dad has taught me more than anyone else about love, trust, patience, perseverance and humility.  I do not know many people with a faith like my father’s.  And that is the honest truth.  And I know lots of people of faith.

Me and my Daddy.

And then I started thinking of God. 

I most often call God by the name of “Father,” but I must admit that it kinda weirds me out when people refer to God as “Daddy.”  But as I watched these little girls and their daddies, I could see my relationship with God in it more and more.  You see, my Father is a selfless Being.  He created me solely to love me.  And he has loved me since the beginning of creation.  But there has been this great separation…  a divorce, if you will.  And because of it, I cannot receive his love as fully as he created me to.

I have been reading this book by Donald Miller called Searching For God Knows What.  It is all about how we were created to be in relationship—that is, for our value and worth to come from outside of ourselves.  Now, that might sound bad at first, and it is bad when the something “outside of ourselves” is finite or less than all-good, less than all-loving… less than God.  We were created to be in relationship with God—for Him to fill us up and tell us who we are, to tell us we are loved.  But then there was this thing called sin, and ever since then, things between us have been kind of muddled.    Darkness has reigned, and we try in vain to find our worth from less-than-worthy sources.

I don't know about you, but I can feel that.  I feel that things are not as they ought to have been.

But God has promised that it will not always be this way.  There will be a day in the future when The Lord will come, He will make all things new, He will make all of us new, and He will dwell with us again.  He will tell us who we are, and we will finally feel defined in a way we never have before.  

I confess that at times I selfishly (and stupidly) ask God to hold off on his return.  I want to live life, ya know… What if I never get married or have children, or what if I don't have the time to spend my life on some career that I think will prove to God that I really do love him…  But when I watch the videos of these little girls, I think more and more that I will not mind so much when I actually see his face.  When I hear his voice call my name and he kneels down to hold me.   

Goodness.

I have no words to express my yearning for this reunion.  I think the only word I will be able to squeak out is “Daddy…” and I won’t even think it sounds silly at all. 

I am already excited to see my Dad when I return from Thailand, even though it is many months off.  I am sure we will happily and tearfully reunite.  Maybe someone will even record it and put it on youtube to make other people cry…  But there is a greater reunion which awaits me—and my Dad for that matter.  It is the reunion with our Father, which the whole world will see and feel.  On that day, we will be like little first graders, unable to utter a word, surprised and delighted beyond containment, running to open arms…  

thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving from Thailand!

As I walked to the store this morning on the busy streets of Bangkok, I felt a little homesick.  Today is just a normal day in Thailand.  The people aren't excited to get home and feast with their families.  No one has already begun to put up Christmas decorations.  All the restaurants are still full of customers on their way to or from work... just like any other day.

Even though I cannot be there with you all in person, I would still like to join in the spirit of giving thanks, even though I am a world away.

So here goes....  I am thankful for:

My friend Dana, who plays the thankful game quite often.
All of my other friends, for that matter.  Those in and outside of Thailand.
Eating turkey in Thailand.  Twice.  Which is apparently quite the delicacy.
Gaining new connections with other believers from all over the world.
Christmas music.
Delicious apple crisp for dessert.
Jane Austen.
Starbucks holiday lattes.
Fresh pineapple for breakfast.  In November.
Cooking with my team all day.
Fall-colored cardigans.
Families.
My family.
The promise of being in God's family.
God's relentless pursuit of his people.  Myself included.
Jesus, my relationship with him, and a hope that cannot be overcome.

This is just a small sample from the two-and a half pages I filled in my journal this evening.

And yes, in case you were concerned for my well being, I did get to celebrate Thanksgiving today-- and surprisingly enough, it was with mostly Thai people who just wanted to celebrate the holiday for fun.  Otherwise, there probably would not have been any festivities.  We had the three essentials: turkey, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie, along with lots of other wonderful, very-American dishes.  I am still stuffed.  :)

What are you thankful for today?...

Jesus saves

Goodness gracious.  One of the things I like least about myself is how incredibly fickle I am.  God shows me things-- beautiful, wonderful things that strengthen my heart and fill my spirit with joy and confidence in Him.  I feel so grateful to have finally grown in my faith in some new and encouraging way...

And then it happens.  I lose it.

I am not sure how it happens, but I inevitably mess it all up just a few short weeks or months later.  Why do I seem to be incapable of retaining the things that the Lord teaches me?  Why must I relearn every single lesson?

Well, because sometimes, relearning it is more beautiful than the first time.  I've been a bit cryptic so far, so let me just be straight with you and tell you what I am talking about.  I have been believing a lot of lies lately.  Lies that I am not loved, I am not free, and I most certainly do not deserve to be.  I have been believing that to fear is better than to trust.

And then a few nights ago, I had this conversation with the Lord at 2AM.  I was feeling broken, defeated, and alone.  Then I remembered this song by Shane and Shane, (it will really help if you listen to the song) and here is what happened in my journal as I prayed...

“
[I am in the regular font, Jesus is in italics]

my hands are stained                                                     Your hands have been cleansed already

how could I fall so far, so fast?                                     Do not worry, I will pick you up myself

cursed are the ones who can't abide, cursed am I.        Cursed was the one who hung on a tree

the stench of my sin is overwhelming                           I say to you 'go and sin no more, daughter'

how dare I?..                                                                  You are RIGHTEOUS

I need to be seen                                                            I see you, Grace

I need tears                                                                    I will give them to you

     Jesus...
[a deep breath and a long pause, tears now rolling down my face]

I will never have the strength I need                             I am strong enough

but I will only fall again, Lord                                      I will catch you

how dare I even try?..                                        Your name is on my hand, Grace, you are RIGHTEOUS

I am a fool to think I can control... to think I can do good        You are Mine and I love you

who am I to deserve goodness?                                    I love you

so weak                                                                         So forgiven

so selfish                                                                       So protected

I need to be seen                                                          I see you

Jesus, the devil is preaching...                                     The devil is a LIAR

... Jesus saves ...

[followed by another deep breath, an even longer pause, and tears now pouring down my face]

I am not alone                                                              I am always with you, Gracie

and I do not have to be afraid                                     Never, Gracie

I am redeemed, but no, I cannot gain salvation          I will be your salvation
                                ”
I hate being the kind of sheep that wanders away all the time.  But I love being the kind of sheep that is rescued over and over.  God is faithful.  He is relentless.  He is gentle and patient.  He is more powerful than the enemy.  He is love.

Yes, I do believe that to TRUST is better than to fear.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord; whose trust IS the Lord.  He is like a tree planted by water that sends out its roots by the stream and does not fear when the heat comes.  For its leaves are always green and it is not anxious in the year of drought.  That tree will never cease to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17: 7-8

the great globalscope give

Dear blog readers,

WATCH THIS VIDEO:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=BD0igKoZSrY

I am guessing that if you are actually reading my blog, that means you have at least some invested interest in what I am doing here in Thailand.  You and I might be friends, or family, or you are a supporter of my ministry.  Whatever the case, you care enough about me to read what I write. And if you care enough to read what I write, chances are, you might care about some of the same things I do. 

And as it turns out, there are quite a few other people who feel the same way as me.  Grapevine, the ministry I work for, is one of six other ministries at universities all over the world which make up "Globalscope."  Globalscope is the international campus ministry branch of Christian Missionary Fellowship, Intl., a large missions agency based out of Indianapolis with various ministries in more than 16 different countries.

I have met many of the other Globalscope campus ministers from Germany, Spain, Mexico, Chile, Scotland, and England, and I can tell you that they care deeply about college students and their relationships with God.  They (we) all work hard because we believe that what we are doing does not just matter for now, but matters for eternity.

So what is this blog post about?

The Great Globalscope Give.

This is a campaign running now through Wednesday November 23rd designed to help out all of the Globalscope ministries.  You can text GLOBAL to 85944 and reply Yes to the follow up text and $10.00 will be charged to your next cell phone bill. All of the money raised will be split between all the Globalscope teams-- including Grapevine here in Thailand.  This is an easy and tangible way that you can make a difference in many people's lives.  For our ministry, this will be extra money to help with flood clean up.  For other ministries, it might look like fixing broken equipment or being able to pay national volunteers and interns.  In any of our ministries, I can assure you it will make a difference.

WATCH THIS VIDEO:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=BD0igKoZSrY

If you have ever been connected with or impacted by a campus ministry, I urge you to watch the video and consider giving.

festival of lights

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity of witnessing part of a Buddhist festival called Loi Khrathong (loy-gah-tong).  The main part of the holiday involves sending off little decorated boats onto the river to pay respect to the water spirits.  Like many other long-standing traditions, the meaning of the ritual is not exactly the reason that most Thais are doing it, but it is to have fun and build common experience among a people. 

I did not go to a boat launch, but instead, I went to a wat (temple) in Chiang Mai for a different part of the festival that is only celebrated in the North.  It is a festival of lights called Yi Peng, and it is celebrated as a part of Loi Khrathong because they take place during the same lunar cycle (but they do not really originate from the same thing).  At Yi Peng, huge floating lanterns are sent off into the night sky to honor Lord Buddha, asking for forgiveness and making merit.

It is a beautiful festival...

 

...like something straight out of the Disney movie Tangled.  As a Christian, though, it is kind of a heartbreaking festival as well.  I watched as thousands of Thais performed an act which they may or may not have believed was releasing them from their sin and giving them good favor. [this video shows what I am talking about]

I believe that this world is incredibly spirit-filled, that there is much more than meets the eye... and that spirit that gives life to the world is the HOLY Spirit of the One, True, Living God.  The Spirit that lives in me is the same Holy Spirit which God breathes into all of humankind-- into each Thai person who sent off a lantern-- that brings forth life.  It is the same spirit that enables the trees to "clap their hands" and mountains to "sing out in praise" (Isaiah 55).  Yes, I do believe the SPIRIT is in and all around us.

And it breaks my heart that so many people cannot see it.  They only see the false shadow of it.

I have a dream-- a prayer.  That maybe one day the same festival will be celebrated in Thailand, but with a very different meaning.  I can imagine the festival of light taking place among Believers, celebrating the living Spirit that burns within them, shedding light in the darkness, turning night to day.  I can imagine a redemption of the practice, which will come from the redemption of hearts.  I can imagine lanterns of hope instead of lanterns of merit.

"All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."     John 1:3-5

life as a refugee

I have not seen my apartment since October 15th when I left for vacation with Dana.  We spent 8 days enjoying the best of adventure that Thailand has to offer, then it was back "home" for each of us.  Dana returned to Pattaya where she works and lives, an area that is still and will most likely remain unaffected by the floods.  I returned to Bangkok.  As you know from my other blog posts, the area north of Bangkok where I live was severely flooded, and I could not (and still cannot) make it to my apartment.  It will probably be another couple of weeks before my apartment will be accessible.

I spent one night at an over-crowded church with other missionaries, including my team members.  The climate is one of resigned expectancy.  The residents of Bangkok have heard for weeks that "the water is coming..."  And the water is still coming.  It is a waiting game-- waiting for the water to come, waiting for it to go, waiting to see how bad it will be.  Just waiting.  I spent another night at a friend's house with a little more room for visitors, then I went to Chiang Mai to take care of my visa.  Then I went back to Bangkok to stay with my friend again.  Then this past weekend I went south to Pattaya to visit with Dana and our other friend Austin.  I am still in Pattaya.

I have a whole new appreciation for hospitality.  I feel like the only thing I am doing is imposing on other people, even though I know that if it were the other way around, I would love to help a friend who needs somewhere to stay.  It is humbling to accept the generosity of others night after night.

I have had lots of free time on my hands.  Time to read and think and pray and journal.  It has been nice to have time to reflect-- time to myself.  However, too much time can be destructive.  I have not enjoyed being so alone with my thoughts.  Everyday feels like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I need to go to sleep and try it again.  It is unsettling that for so long, my desire has been to "come awake," but I have never felt more like letting myself fall asleep.  It is hard to battle.  It is hard to feel like myself.

Would you pray that my heart would remain faithful to where I am?  That God would still show me his plan and his purpose for me day by day.  I dont need to be able to see what lies ahead, but I would like to be able to see God in the bit of the journey I am on.  I know that he is more than willing to show himself to me if only I will be willing to see.