Jesus saves

Goodness gracious.  One of the things I like least about myself is how incredibly fickle I am.  God shows me things-- beautiful, wonderful things that strengthen my heart and fill my spirit with joy and confidence in Him.  I feel so grateful to have finally grown in my faith in some new and encouraging way...

And then it happens.  I lose it.

I am not sure how it happens, but I inevitably mess it all up just a few short weeks or months later.  Why do I seem to be incapable of retaining the things that the Lord teaches me?  Why must I relearn every single lesson?

Well, because sometimes, relearning it is more beautiful than the first time.  I've been a bit cryptic so far, so let me just be straight with you and tell you what I am talking about.  I have been believing a lot of lies lately.  Lies that I am not loved, I am not free, and I most certainly do not deserve to be.  I have been believing that to fear is better than to trust.

And then a few nights ago, I had this conversation with the Lord at 2AM.  I was feeling broken, defeated, and alone.  Then I remembered this song by Shane and Shane, (it will really help if you listen to the song) and here is what happened in my journal as I prayed...

“
[I am in the regular font, Jesus is in italics]

my hands are stained                                                     Your hands have been cleansed already

how could I fall so far, so fast?                                     Do not worry, I will pick you up myself

cursed are the ones who can't abide, cursed am I.        Cursed was the one who hung on a tree

the stench of my sin is overwhelming                           I say to you 'go and sin no more, daughter'

how dare I?..                                                                  You are RIGHTEOUS

I need to be seen                                                            I see you, Grace

I need tears                                                                    I will give them to you

     Jesus...
[a deep breath and a long pause, tears now rolling down my face]

I will never have the strength I need                             I am strong enough

but I will only fall again, Lord                                      I will catch you

how dare I even try?..                                        Your name is on my hand, Grace, you are RIGHTEOUS

I am a fool to think I can control... to think I can do good        You are Mine and I love you

who am I to deserve goodness?                                    I love you

so weak                                                                         So forgiven

so selfish                                                                       So protected

I need to be seen                                                          I see you

Jesus, the devil is preaching...                                     The devil is a LIAR

... Jesus saves ...

[followed by another deep breath, an even longer pause, and tears now pouring down my face]

I am not alone                                                              I am always with you, Gracie

and I do not have to be afraid                                     Never, Gracie

I am redeemed, but no, I cannot gain salvation          I will be your salvation
                                ”
I hate being the kind of sheep that wanders away all the time.  But I love being the kind of sheep that is rescued over and over.  God is faithful.  He is relentless.  He is gentle and patient.  He is more powerful than the enemy.  He is love.

Yes, I do believe that to TRUST is better than to fear.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord; whose trust IS the Lord.  He is like a tree planted by water that sends out its roots by the stream and does not fear when the heat comes.  For its leaves are always green and it is not anxious in the year of drought.  That tree will never cease to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17: 7-8