blessed is she who believes

[Forward:
I recently listened to a CCF sermon by Jessie Elledge on the topic of faithfulness.  She taught using the story of Abraham to show that being faithful may not be easy or comfortable, but it is absolutely best.  If you choose faithfulness, you might become lonely or alienated.  If you choose faithfulness, you might have to wait a long time to receive what the Lord has promised.  If you choose faithfulness, you might be tempted at times to take control back from God.  If you choose faithfulness, you might have to do things that do not make sense.
But If you choose faithfulness, you will see the Living God at work in your life.
In Abraham's case, God promised that his wife would bear a child in her old age, and that Abraham would become the father of many nations through this child.  This was the promise of something that only God could do.  Abraham believed God.  He remained faithful to God.  And God kept his promise to Abraham.]

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This Christmas season, I have been captivated by the story of the birth of Jesus and I have spent much time reading and re-reading the passages at the beginning of the Gospel of Luke which detail the account.  In light of what I have learned of faithfulness, there is a certain part of the nativity account which has struck me in a way unlike ever before.

What I am talking about, and what this blog post is about, is the story of Mary.  Her humility, the Lord's goodness, her belief and trust, the Lord's perfect plan and sovereignty-- and the faithfulness of them both.

And [the angel Gabriel] came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be.

I have always been confused with this part of the story.  Mary seems like she is a bit wary and un-trusting of what the angel is saying to her.  But I took a closer look, and the Greek word used here for "greatly troubled" refers not to one who is anxious or fearful, but to one who is emotionally moved, whose heart has been stirred. Mary's heart is not been hardened!  I imagine that she is overcome by the wonder of feeling God's presence within her.  This simple phrase does not show that she was weak of spirit, but rather that her spirit was willing to be moved by God.  This tells me that Mary has taken a posture of humility and trust before the Lord.

And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus.

Again, our English translation does not do justice to the profoundness of what is being said between Mary and Gabriel.  In saying that she has "found favor," the angel proclaims that Mary has come upon grace.  She has been met with the loving kindness, good will, and mercy of the God of the Universe.  God has chosen to bestow upon Mary that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness.  Finding favor with God means that Mary has been given the undeserved gift of grace.

And not only has she been given grace, God also makes a promise to Mary that her son will be the long-awaited Messiah.  This was the promise of something that only God could do.

And Mary said to the angel, “How will this be, since I am a virgin?”

This is another instance in which I assume Mary's intention wrongly based on my understanding of the language.  I have always thought that Mary's asking "how" is an expression of doubt-- that she does not fully believe yet that what the angel foretold can actually be accomplished.  But I think that I was wrong about Mary.  This Greek word for "how" does not imply suspicion or distrust, but instead shows the heart of one who is desiring to be taught.  Mary was not questioning God.  She was seeking him.

And the angel answered her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you...  For nothing will be impossible with God.” 

The angel answers her.  I don't know if you will see this as beautiful or not, but it is my favorite part of the story.  God does not choose to treat Mary as a servant who is not privileged enough to know her Master's business.  On the contrary, because of her belief and trust in him, she is treated as a friend of the Master.  It is like God is letting her in on the most beautiful intricacies of his perfect plan-- even when he was not obligated to.  And what is God's secret?  Nothing is impossible for him.  This blows my mind.  After this kind of encounter, I can only imagine that Mary's heart would have not been able to keep from worshiping the Lord in beauty and in truth.

And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”
   
Mary believed in the Living God.  She chose to be the Lord's servant-- to remain faithful to him.  And God kept his promise, even to a teenage girl.

I just think that is breathtaking.

The last part of the story that I love is the way that God takes care of everything else, and in doing so, confirms to Mary what he promised her.  He sends an angel to straighten things out with Joseph.  He sends the three wise men from the orient to proclaim Jesus as King.  He endows Mary's relative Elizabeth with the Holy Spirit, affirming that this child truly was the Lord.

And Elizabeth exclaimed, "blessed is she who believes that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord!”

being made new

In my experience, one of the things that God does best is transformation.  I have seen it over and over in my heart, in others, in Scripture…

Night to day. 

Darkness to light. 

Death to life. 

Evil to good. 

God has a unique and beautiful way of making things new.  This is exciting for many reasons… I mean, I know that I want to be made new, I want to see other people made new, I want the world to be made new.

This is also good news because, if you had not heard, there was a flood in Thailand.  More than a third of the country, including Grapevine, was underwater for weeks.  The water has receded and we are back at Grapevine now, but mostly everything inside of Grapevine was damaged beyond use.  Here are just a few photos….

 

My first thoughts upon returning... “Lord, where do we start?  And where do we go from here?”

It is not only the furniture at Grapevine that was damaged.  The whole semester has been shaken up and the Grapevine staff has decreased in size.  Annual events like the Halloween party, Thanksgiving and Christmas parties, and the retreat may not happen now.   Thammasat students are beginning their semester two months later than normal and will likely be taking Saturday classes to make up for lost time.  Grapevine events will wind up looking just as different as Grapevine itself.

Whether we asked for it or not, Grapevine is being made new.

And after the initial shock of it, it is quite exciting that we have front row seats to watch God do what he does best:  transform.  I am encouraged when I remember that God already has a plan for what he is going to do with us and in us this semester.  God is able to completely redeem and revive what is damaged and use it for his purpose and his glory.

JOY

I love Christmas.

In my book, the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas is truly the most wonderful time of the year.  I have loved it ever since I was a little girl.  There is something about the glow of Christmas lights mingling with the smell of Christmas cookies and Bing Crosby’s Christmas album playing in the background that makes it seem as though all is well in the world.  I like the cold weather, I love gathering with family, I like giving gifts, I love eating holiday food, I like Christmas music on the radio, and I love the decorations.

Another thing I love about Christmas is that it makes it so easy to talk about Jesus.  It is one of the few times of the year that I do not feel like a weirdo for finding so much joy in my faith in Christ.  Because that is what everyone is doing.  I mean, there are probably not many people in America who (whether they are believers or not) do not know that Christmas is supposed to be about Jesus.  There are also many Americans who do not celebrate it as such, but at Christmastime, even non-Christians will join in to a chorus of “Joy to the World” even if they do not believe what the verses were meant to convey… because its Christmas.

I know there are lots of Christians who hate what Christmas has become in America—the “holiday season,” all about shopping, consumerism, and forced family interaction.  Drop a dime in the Salvation Army bucket to feel like you have done your part in feeding the poor, then head into Starbucks and buy your $5 latte… Yes, I know.  But isn’t there something exciting about the widespread acknowledgement of the birth of Jesus Christ, year after year?  Even if the acknowledgement is mixed in with Kohl’s advertisements, it is there.  I think that Christmas is a perfect time for churches and Christians to share the Truth of Christ with people when they are most willing to hear it.  And no, I do not consider “sharing the truth of Christ” something that fits on a bumper sticker.  It is something much more intimate than that.

But I am not in America this Christmas.

I am in Thailand.

I must admit, I was worried that spending Christmas in Thailand was going to be awful.  I fully expected to have a culture shock melt down by now… no silver bells, no candy canes, no lights, no trees, no baking, no family, no caroling, no snow, no nativity scenes… How will I even survive?!

I am very happy to say that this is one expectation of Thailand that has not been met.  On the contrary, I have thoroughly enjoyed the holiday season so far.  Yes, most of the things I love about Christmas are not here: family, food, cold weather, nationwide decorations… But there is one thing that remains the same in Thailand…

Jesus.

Although I do miss spending Christmas in America, I can honestly say that Christmas in Thailand has allowed me to find great JOY in the birth of my Savior—a different kind of joy than the joy given by Christmas lights and Bing Crosby.   It is a joy that I can feel flowing within me, a kind of expectancy of something big and beautiful that God is about to do.  It is a joy that has caused me to wake up with a smile on my face in the morning, my first thought being of God’s goodness to send us salvation in the most unlikely of circumstances.  Joy, that the child of a virgin was the Son of God.  Joy, that there is hope.  Joy, that there is grace and peace and forgiveness and light.  Joy, that there is Jesus.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

my daddy

So, I was on facebook and I clicked on a link to a youtube video which boasted the best marriage proposal ever.  It was indeed cool.  But then once I was on youtube, it was hard for me to pull myself away (anyone who knows me knows I am a youtube junkie).  I clicked on related link after related link on the side of the page, and before I knew it, I was crying my eyes out watching videos of families reuniting.  I felt like my mom.

Most of the videos went like this:  daddy was away at war and comes home early, little girl is sitting in her first grade classroom, daddy walks in, little girl sees him and is barely able to squeak out any word but “Daddy,” little girl runs straight for him, daddy opens his arms, daddy and little girl tearfully and happily embrace.

It got me thinking…. First, about my own Dad.  About what a good father he is and how much I love him and how I cannot wait to see him.  I can guarantee you that no matter what time it is or what the weather is like, my Dad will be among the faces welcoming me home from Thailand when I arrive at the Kansas City airport.  No matter what the cost or inconvenience to him, he will be there.  You see, my Dad is a selfless man—he has loved me since before I even knew what love was.  And he might not know it, but my Dad has taught me more than anyone else about love, trust, patience, perseverance and humility.  I do not know many people with a faith like my father’s.  And that is the honest truth.  And I know lots of people of faith.

Me and my Daddy.

And then I started thinking of God. 

I most often call God by the name of “Father,” but I must admit that it kinda weirds me out when people refer to God as “Daddy.”  But as I watched these little girls and their daddies, I could see my relationship with God in it more and more.  You see, my Father is a selfless Being.  He created me solely to love me.  And he has loved me since the beginning of creation.  But there has been this great separation…  a divorce, if you will.  And because of it, I cannot receive his love as fully as he created me to.

I have been reading this book by Donald Miller called Searching For God Knows What.  It is all about how we were created to be in relationship—that is, for our value and worth to come from outside of ourselves.  Now, that might sound bad at first, and it is bad when the something “outside of ourselves” is finite or less than all-good, less than all-loving… less than God.  We were created to be in relationship with God—for Him to fill us up and tell us who we are, to tell us we are loved.  But then there was this thing called sin, and ever since then, things between us have been kind of muddled.    Darkness has reigned, and we try in vain to find our worth from less-than-worthy sources.

I don't know about you, but I can feel that.  I feel that things are not as they ought to have been.

But God has promised that it will not always be this way.  There will be a day in the future when The Lord will come, He will make all things new, He will make all of us new, and He will dwell with us again.  He will tell us who we are, and we will finally feel defined in a way we never have before.  

I confess that at times I selfishly (and stupidly) ask God to hold off on his return.  I want to live life, ya know… What if I never get married or have children, or what if I don't have the time to spend my life on some career that I think will prove to God that I really do love him…  But when I watch the videos of these little girls, I think more and more that I will not mind so much when I actually see his face.  When I hear his voice call my name and he kneels down to hold me.   

Goodness.

I have no words to express my yearning for this reunion.  I think the only word I will be able to squeak out is “Daddy…” and I won’t even think it sounds silly at all. 

I am already excited to see my Dad when I return from Thailand, even though it is many months off.  I am sure we will happily and tearfully reunite.  Maybe someone will even record it and put it on youtube to make other people cry…  But there is a greater reunion which awaits me—and my Dad for that matter.  It is the reunion with our Father, which the whole world will see and feel.  On that day, we will be like little first graders, unable to utter a word, surprised and delighted beyond containment, running to open arms…  

thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving from Thailand!

As I walked to the store this morning on the busy streets of Bangkok, I felt a little homesick.  Today is just a normal day in Thailand.  The people aren't excited to get home and feast with their families.  No one has already begun to put up Christmas decorations.  All the restaurants are still full of customers on their way to or from work... just like any other day.

Even though I cannot be there with you all in person, I would still like to join in the spirit of giving thanks, even though I am a world away.

So here goes....  I am thankful for:

My friend Dana, who plays the thankful game quite often.
All of my other friends, for that matter.  Those in and outside of Thailand.
Eating turkey in Thailand.  Twice.  Which is apparently quite the delicacy.
Gaining new connections with other believers from all over the world.
Christmas music.
Delicious apple crisp for dessert.
Jane Austen.
Starbucks holiday lattes.
Fresh pineapple for breakfast.  In November.
Cooking with my team all day.
Fall-colored cardigans.
Families.
My family.
The promise of being in God's family.
God's relentless pursuit of his people.  Myself included.
Jesus, my relationship with him, and a hope that cannot be overcome.

This is just a small sample from the two-and a half pages I filled in my journal this evening.

And yes, in case you were concerned for my well being, I did get to celebrate Thanksgiving today-- and surprisingly enough, it was with mostly Thai people who just wanted to celebrate the holiday for fun.  Otherwise, there probably would not have been any festivities.  We had the three essentials: turkey, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie, along with lots of other wonderful, very-American dishes.  I am still stuffed.  :)

What are you thankful for today?...

Jesus saves

Goodness gracious.  One of the things I like least about myself is how incredibly fickle I am.  God shows me things-- beautiful, wonderful things that strengthen my heart and fill my spirit with joy and confidence in Him.  I feel so grateful to have finally grown in my faith in some new and encouraging way...

And then it happens.  I lose it.

I am not sure how it happens, but I inevitably mess it all up just a few short weeks or months later.  Why do I seem to be incapable of retaining the things that the Lord teaches me?  Why must I relearn every single lesson?

Well, because sometimes, relearning it is more beautiful than the first time.  I've been a bit cryptic so far, so let me just be straight with you and tell you what I am talking about.  I have been believing a lot of lies lately.  Lies that I am not loved, I am not free, and I most certainly do not deserve to be.  I have been believing that to fear is better than to trust.

And then a few nights ago, I had this conversation with the Lord at 2AM.  I was feeling broken, defeated, and alone.  Then I remembered this song by Shane and Shane, (it will really help if you listen to the song) and here is what happened in my journal as I prayed...

“
[I am in the regular font, Jesus is in italics]

my hands are stained                                                     Your hands have been cleansed already

how could I fall so far, so fast?                                     Do not worry, I will pick you up myself

cursed are the ones who can't abide, cursed am I.        Cursed was the one who hung on a tree

the stench of my sin is overwhelming                           I say to you 'go and sin no more, daughter'

how dare I?..                                                                  You are RIGHTEOUS

I need to be seen                                                            I see you, Grace

I need tears                                                                    I will give them to you

     Jesus...
[a deep breath and a long pause, tears now rolling down my face]

I will never have the strength I need                             I am strong enough

but I will only fall again, Lord                                      I will catch you

how dare I even try?..                                        Your name is on my hand, Grace, you are RIGHTEOUS

I am a fool to think I can control... to think I can do good        You are Mine and I love you

who am I to deserve goodness?                                    I love you

so weak                                                                         So forgiven

so selfish                                                                       So protected

I need to be seen                                                          I see you

Jesus, the devil is preaching...                                     The devil is a LIAR

... Jesus saves ...

[followed by another deep breath, an even longer pause, and tears now pouring down my face]

I am not alone                                                              I am always with you, Gracie

and I do not have to be afraid                                     Never, Gracie

I am redeemed, but no, I cannot gain salvation          I will be your salvation
                                ”
I hate being the kind of sheep that wanders away all the time.  But I love being the kind of sheep that is rescued over and over.  God is faithful.  He is relentless.  He is gentle and patient.  He is more powerful than the enemy.  He is love.

Yes, I do believe that to TRUST is better than to fear.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord; whose trust IS the Lord.  He is like a tree planted by water that sends out its roots by the stream and does not fear when the heat comes.  For its leaves are always green and it is not anxious in the year of drought.  That tree will never cease to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17: 7-8

the great globalscope give

Dear blog readers,

WATCH THIS VIDEO:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=BD0igKoZSrY

I am guessing that if you are actually reading my blog, that means you have at least some invested interest in what I am doing here in Thailand.  You and I might be friends, or family, or you are a supporter of my ministry.  Whatever the case, you care enough about me to read what I write. And if you care enough to read what I write, chances are, you might care about some of the same things I do. 

And as it turns out, there are quite a few other people who feel the same way as me.  Grapevine, the ministry I work for, is one of six other ministries at universities all over the world which make up "Globalscope."  Globalscope is the international campus ministry branch of Christian Missionary Fellowship, Intl., a large missions agency based out of Indianapolis with various ministries in more than 16 different countries.

I have met many of the other Globalscope campus ministers from Germany, Spain, Mexico, Chile, Scotland, and England, and I can tell you that they care deeply about college students and their relationships with God.  They (we) all work hard because we believe that what we are doing does not just matter for now, but matters for eternity.

So what is this blog post about?

The Great Globalscope Give.

This is a campaign running now through Wednesday November 23rd designed to help out all of the Globalscope ministries.  You can text GLOBAL to 85944 and reply Yes to the follow up text and $10.00 will be charged to your next cell phone bill. All of the money raised will be split between all the Globalscope teams-- including Grapevine here in Thailand.  This is an easy and tangible way that you can make a difference in many people's lives.  For our ministry, this will be extra money to help with flood clean up.  For other ministries, it might look like fixing broken equipment or being able to pay national volunteers and interns.  In any of our ministries, I can assure you it will make a difference.

WATCH THIS VIDEO:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=BD0igKoZSrY

If you have ever been connected with or impacted by a campus ministry, I urge you to watch the video and consider giving.

festival of lights

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity of witnessing part of a Buddhist festival called Loi Khrathong (loy-gah-tong).  The main part of the holiday involves sending off little decorated boats onto the river to pay respect to the water spirits.  Like many other long-standing traditions, the meaning of the ritual is not exactly the reason that most Thais are doing it, but it is to have fun and build common experience among a people. 

I did not go to a boat launch, but instead, I went to a wat (temple) in Chiang Mai for a different part of the festival that is only celebrated in the North.  It is a festival of lights called Yi Peng, and it is celebrated as a part of Loi Khrathong because they take place during the same lunar cycle (but they do not really originate from the same thing).  At Yi Peng, huge floating lanterns are sent off into the night sky to honor Lord Buddha, asking for forgiveness and making merit.

It is a beautiful festival...

 

...like something straight out of the Disney movie Tangled.  As a Christian, though, it is kind of a heartbreaking festival as well.  I watched as thousands of Thais performed an act which they may or may not have believed was releasing them from their sin and giving them good favor. [this video shows what I am talking about]

I believe that this world is incredibly spirit-filled, that there is much more than meets the eye... and that spirit that gives life to the world is the HOLY Spirit of the One, True, Living God.  The Spirit that lives in me is the same Holy Spirit which God breathes into all of humankind-- into each Thai person who sent off a lantern-- that brings forth life.  It is the same spirit that enables the trees to "clap their hands" and mountains to "sing out in praise" (Isaiah 55).  Yes, I do believe the SPIRIT is in and all around us.

And it breaks my heart that so many people cannot see it.  They only see the false shadow of it.

I have a dream-- a prayer.  That maybe one day the same festival will be celebrated in Thailand, but with a very different meaning.  I can imagine the festival of light taking place among Believers, celebrating the living Spirit that burns within them, shedding light in the darkness, turning night to day.  I can imagine a redemption of the practice, which will come from the redemption of hearts.  I can imagine lanterns of hope instead of lanterns of merit.

"All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."     John 1:3-5

life as a refugee

I have not seen my apartment since October 15th when I left for vacation with Dana.  We spent 8 days enjoying the best of adventure that Thailand has to offer, then it was back "home" for each of us.  Dana returned to Pattaya where she works and lives, an area that is still and will most likely remain unaffected by the floods.  I returned to Bangkok.  As you know from my other blog posts, the area north of Bangkok where I live was severely flooded, and I could not (and still cannot) make it to my apartment.  It will probably be another couple of weeks before my apartment will be accessible.

I spent one night at an over-crowded church with other missionaries, including my team members.  The climate is one of resigned expectancy.  The residents of Bangkok have heard for weeks that "the water is coming..."  And the water is still coming.  It is a waiting game-- waiting for the water to come, waiting for it to go, waiting to see how bad it will be.  Just waiting.  I spent another night at a friend's house with a little more room for visitors, then I went to Chiang Mai to take care of my visa.  Then I went back to Bangkok to stay with my friend again.  Then this past weekend I went south to Pattaya to visit with Dana and our other friend Austin.  I am still in Pattaya.

I have a whole new appreciation for hospitality.  I feel like the only thing I am doing is imposing on other people, even though I know that if it were the other way around, I would love to help a friend who needs somewhere to stay.  It is humbling to accept the generosity of others night after night.

I have had lots of free time on my hands.  Time to read and think and pray and journal.  It has been nice to have time to reflect-- time to myself.  However, too much time can be destructive.  I have not enjoyed being so alone with my thoughts.  Everyday feels like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I need to go to sleep and try it again.  It is unsettling that for so long, my desire has been to "come awake," but I have never felt more like letting myself fall asleep.  It is hard to battle.  It is hard to feel like myself.

Would you pray that my heart would remain faithful to where I am?  That God would still show me his plan and his purpose for me day by day.  I dont need to be able to see what lies ahead, but I would like to be able to see God in the bit of the journey I am on.  I know that he is more than willing to show himself to me if only I will be willing to see.

the flood pt. 4

Since I last wrote a blog post, I have been off in various parts of Thailand vacationing with my good friend Dana.  This was the only week of vacation that we would be able to share together during her five month stay in the country, so we took advantage of it despite the flooding.  We had a delightful time, trekking in the mountains of Chiang Mai and laying on the beaches of Krabi.

While I was gone, however, great masses of flood water moved into Rangsit, the area that I live.  There is at least a foot of standing water in Grapevine and the entire first floor of the building it is in.  Just across the way from Grapevine, the the first floor of the apartment building I live in also holds standing water.  I have no idea how deep the water is now or how much damage the buildings have sustained because the flood has made it impossible for me to return home.  I am praying that Grapevine and our apartments are not looted in our absence.  Some parts of Rangsit are under more than 2 meters of water.  It is so bad that they even had to close the evacuation center on Thammasat's campus that I was volunteering at just last week.  Those 4000 people have been moved again.

I am officially a refugee.

I am currently in Bangkok, staying in a cramped apartment above a church with some other missionaries who live here.  The water supply here is limited as sewage is starting to back up as the water from the north is seeping closer and closer to Bangkok.  The people of Bangkok are just now starting to stock up on food and water, leaving all the store shelves barren.  It has finally become a reality that Bangkok might be flooded.  To what severity, no one seems to know.  If the situation in Rangsit is anything similar to how it will play out here, I expect that the streets of Bangkok will be flooded beyond possible use in the coming days.  And of course, the first areas to flood will be the poorest areas.  The slums.

Tonight, I will attempt to get on a bus to Chiang Mai, a city in Northern Thailand that was only minimally affected by the floods.  My visa expires at the end of this week and I need to see a lawyer there who has been helping me get a work permit to stay in the country.  On top of all of the stress of the floods, my lawyers father passed away this week and I have no idea if she will be able to meet with me before my visa expires.  When I leave Bangkok this evening, I have no idea if the city will flood while I am gone.  And if it does, I have no idea when I will be able to return.  Fortunately, the Lord has provided me with a place to stay in Chiang Mai in the meantime with a friend of one of my campus ministers from Truman.

It is estimated that a third of the nation of Thailand has been affected, much of which is currently under water right now.  Yes, it is bad right now, but this will be hugely detrimental to the nation of Thailand once it is all over with.  

Will you please keep my lawyer (her name is Aom) and my visa situation in your prayers?  Please pray for the people of Thailand.  For the flood waters to recede.  For my team as they lie in wait in Bangkok, displaced from our homes with only a backpacks-worth of belongings.

the flood pt. 3

Well, after hearing all week that "the flood waters are coming soon," today was finally the day.  I, however, did not actually witness any of the flood, but only its residual effects at the evacuee center.  I spent my day sorting and folding donated clothes for distribution.  It was hot and sunny outside.  The puddles on the ground were not even as large as after a heavy rain.  In my very small little corner of Rangsit, all is safe and dry.  The only parts of Rangsit (my town) which are currently flooded are those that were flooded intentionally to prevent water from spreading elsewhere.  The plan worked.  Bangkok (where the money is) is saved... for now. 

This is the story that you will read online.  What the story is leaving out, however, is that those "intentionally flooded areas" are not just open rice fields, but they are neighborhoods.  Less than 10 kilometers (6 miles) from where I live.  People live in those places.  Or at least, they lived there until they were flooded as a sacrifice for Bangkok.  It is unjust and highly political. 

I am safe, Grapevine is safe, and Thammasat's campus is safe, but our community has been greatly affected by the floods.  This will not be over anytime soon.  The relief effort will continue for weeks.  Would you please remember the flood victims and the volunteers in your prayers?  And would you pray that the Thai government would treat each of its citizens with respect?

This photo was taken today by my co-worker Bank in a flooded slum neighborhood where he was helping to build a sandbag wall.  The wall was to keep water in this area, not to keep it out.

the flood pt. 2

I went back to the shelter on campus to volunteer today.  It was much like yesterday.  Hundreds of people lining up and passing things from one person to the next, from supply truck to storage room, to sorting to distribution.  We passed bags of water bottles, bags of rice, bags of clothes, bags of noodles, bags of hygiene products... bags and bags and bags.  The gym at Thammasat is being used as relief headquarters for our town, Rangsit.  My friend Aom and I stayed in the passing lines for more than 2 hours, and still more trucks were expected to show up.  It is awesome to see the community giving so much in this time of need.  But at the same time, having all of those bags pass through my hands shows me just how big this situation is, and how many people are/will be affected by it. 

The end of a passing line.  I tried not to be that farang (foreigner) who was just standing there taking pictures.

After that, Aom and I went to help sort donated clothes for distribution.  We sorted in a room with about 20 other people, and after 3 hours, it did not look like we even made a dent in the mountains of bags sitting in the hallway.

On our way from the passing lines to the clothes sorting room, we passed through the main gymnasium where many evacuees are finding shelter while their homes are flooded.  I had heard estimates of over 3000 people, but I did not imagine how many of those people were children.  It made me realize that these are not just "people," they are real families.  Who had real homes.  And now they are sleeping on a carpet-sized bamboo mat in a gym with 1000 other people, not knowing what they will return to.  Most people only had one or two large traveling bags with them-- their remaining possessions. 

The only two pictures I was brave enough to take as we were walking through the gym.  I think if I were them, I would not want people taking a million pictures either.  These two pictures do not even show half of the gym.

The sight of it all brought a lump to the back of my throat, stopping me in my tracks as the reality of my surroundings set in.  The air became thicker, the faces became real, and my wants and needs became less significant.

the flood

As I look out my window today, there is bright sunshine and the traffic moves swiftly by on the busy road below.  It is a deceiving scene.  There is a strange quietness and emptiness about the place....

All of the students are gone and as many people as possible have moved their cars, which usually line the busy street, to higher ground.  There is a wall of sandbags at the front of every building.

But the ground is dry.  This is not the case, however, for everywhere in the Pathum Thani province where I live.  Many low-lying areas, such as industrial areas and slum areas close to waterways, are already moderately flooded.  The flooding is not due to currently falling rain, but to rain that has been falling all season, and has amassed into a huge amount of water that is slowly flowing southward, breaking levees and dams along the way.  The town where I live is the last dam before Bangkok, so they are doing everything they can to make sure that it does not break.

In the absence of students on Thammasat's campus, new inhabitants have been bussed in:  evacuees, 3000+ people from provinces north of here whose homes are underwater.  Last night, I went to a gym that they have set up as a shelter to volunteer.  We formed long lines and passed bags of rice, bottles of water, and mattresses to be loaded onto trucks and taken to where the evacuees were being housed.

Snapshot from the middle of the water-passing line.  I found that Thai people are cheerful givers-- givers of both their resources and time.  Many of the students tried to keep the atmosphere light as they made games out of the work we were doing, spreading laughter in a serious time.

I will go back to the same gym later today.  Right now, the rest of my team members are helping to build a secondary sandbag dam in case the first one does break.

As for whether or not the floods will actually reach the extent that people have prepared for, I have no idea.  It is certainly hard to imagine with sunlight shining down and dry land to walk on.  But I think we are all praying for it not to be as bad as is expected.

the cross

It has been finals time around here, which means drastically less students coming to Grapevine.  Anticipating low attendance, we decided to do something a bit different for Souper Tuesday last week.  The Thai school year is not in session during Easter time, so it is not often that we get the opportunity to share the whole Passion story at once.  We chose to do the "stations of the cross."  Each staff member took one or two stories of the last week of Jesus' life to present to the students as we walked through campus to wind up at Grapevine for dinner.

Early in the afternoon, I went to campus and found a painted picnic table to sit at as I prepared for the talk.  The table had a picture of a golden castle on a cloud in the sky and the word "paradise" written in English above it.  Some of the other painted clouds were holding pots of gold, and there were little smiling Asian angels positioned around the castle.  I thought it was a fitting table to sit at for my purpose.  I wondered if the students who painted it had ever even heard the story we were going to tell that night.  Chances are, probably not.

At the first station, six students showed up.  We talked about the triumphal entry, and how Jesus was the fulfillment of Scripture.  The second station was the Lord's supper.  We did not partake in communion, as the students with us were not Christians, but we did share a snack to symbolize the meaningfulness of meal-sharing.  For this part, we coincidentally wound up sitting at the same "paradise" table I had been preparing at earlier that day.  Third, I took the students to a garden to speak to them about what was happening as Jesus prayed in Gethsemane. By this station, there were only four students.  At the end, we all picked up rocks to carry with us.

The fourth station was a long walk from the third, and there we discussed the  trial, beatings, and humiliation of Jesus.  It was moving for the staff members.  I know that I, at least, do not consider Jesus' suffering very often.  The Thai students were quiet.  The place where we stood together was right next to the main campus shrine-- a 30 foot sculpture of two spiraling dragons, with many gifts and flower wreathes below it.  From there we moved to a small foot bridge nearby, where we talked about the crucifixion.  This part was in Thai.  By this time, we were down to three students.

For the last station before we headed back, I led the remaining students to the steps in front of a dorm/food court in between campus and Grapevine.  Just down the steps from us was the shrine of the building-- an elephant goddess with many heads and arms, the smell of the incense burning drifted over to where we were sitting.  We talked about how Jesus is now ALIVE, and how this fact offers real hope and victory over death.

The students who were present at each of the various stations listened politely and seemed mildly interested in what we were saying.  We did not, by any means, expect some great crowd of converts by the end of the night.  Our goal was to tell the story in an intimate group.  That goal was accomplished.  We told the story.  And if anything, it was a powerful experience for the staff to remember the sacrifice of our Savior together.  And as for the students, I trust that God knows exactly what they heard, and he is more than capable of continuing to speak.

One of the most important lessons I have learned through doing ministry with Thai Buddhist students is that the Lord can do immeasurably more than we think or imagine with what we give him.  There is so much going on that we do not see.  God is using us so much more than we know.

in each moment

Just before I came to Thailand, I went to Globalscope Celebration-- a kind of conference for all of the international campus ministers who work for CMF.  At Celebration, someone (I dont remember who) said this:   

"The only thing that any of us has to do is choose what to do with the time given us."  

This seems simple enough, a common-sense type of statement.  My experience with this quote, though, is that the more time I spend with it, the more profound and meaningful it becomes.

What I do with my time-- what any of us does with our time-- matters deeply.   Each time I choose to humble myself before the Lord, my soul is filled more than I can feel.  Each time I choose sacrifice or obedience over the desire of my flesh, it strengthens my heart more than I will know.  Each time I choose to allow temptation to take over, it affects much more than I can see.  Each time I choose disobedience instead of trust, the ripples of separation are further reaching than I will understand.

This is good news and scary news at the same time.  God is more powerful than I imagine him to be, and he is able to use my attempts to serve him.  And he will use them not only for my good (because he loves me), but for the good of others also (because he loves them too).  The good news is, God will do the rest once I choose him.  The scary part is that... well, I have to make a choice.  I must make choices in light of the understanding that what I do day-to-day, moment-by-moment really does matter.  And for people like myself, who are not so good at being responsible for things that matter, a simple quote like this one turns into a provoking statement of what life is all about.

And what is life all about?...  Oh gosh.  A question I don't really know the answer to.  But I think it has a lot to do with being with God.  I mean, being with him truly, not just doing things for him or thinking about him, but "with" in the fully-engaged sense of the word.  When our lives are but a breath, time spent with the Lord is the only thing of eternal significance.  To be with him fully is a goal at which we will have never arrived in this life, but it is our goal and our hope nonetheless.

I realize that this all sounds kind of serious and gloomy, but the best part of the quote is the idea of grace embedded in it!  It does not say "all we have to do is choose what to do, and also sit around and worry about the choices we have already made or the wrong choices we will inevitably make in the future."  It is a statement that speaks very much to the now.  And in each moment of the now, God's grace is not only available to us, but sufficient for us. After all, life is lived in the present.  And being with God is also something that happens in the present.  Each new moment is one in which grace and power are available to us.  Each new moment is one that matters.

More than ever before, I am so aware of how what I do matters.  What I think, what I say, what I choose, what I teach and what I indulge in-- it all matters.  It has been a humbling lesson.  Because there is absolutely no way that I can accomplish any kind of self-awareness on my own.  I must ask for help in this, because I just cant do it on my own.  I need God's Spirit continually in a way I never realized I did before.

The way I see it, I have two jobs.  1- Humble myself.  2-Trust God to do the rest.  Would you pray that I would choose humility in each moment?  Would you pray that I would trust God to be with me in each moment?  Would you pray that even in failure (because I am good at the failing part of this), I would be encouraged by the Lord's moment-by-moment grace? 

adventures

Well, I am living in a foreign country for a year, so I might as well explore the place, right?...

A few weeks ago, I took a trip with some of my friends, American and Thai, up to the peaceful mountain city of Chiang Mai.  It is a city teeming with culture and beauty.  There is a modern urban population with lively markets, public transport and fancy hotels, but nestled in the mountains, there are also people who still live an older, simpler way of life.  Blanketed by ever-morphing, misty clouds, the "hilltribe" communities are quiet and still.  It was hard to believe that I was still in the same country.

It was a great weekend.  We visited some hot springs that spew out water at about 220 degrees Fahrenheit year round.  We stuck our feet into the hottest part of the stream allowed.  It was so relaxing.  We went to a night bazaar/market, which was much more enjoyable than the weekend markets of Bangkok, and we stayed at a nice hotel with air conditioning and a hot shower.  We visited a mountaintop temple and a quiet hilltribe community with beautiful gardens at the top of the mountain.  We also went to an elephant sanctuary, but it had just closed.  Luckily, there were some elephants who just so happened to be walking down the road (getting off work I suppose...).  And, one of my favorite parts of the trip, we got to ride a sleeper train there and back.  They don't move very quickly, but you can open the windows to let the fresh air in... a much appreciated feature after breathing in the pollution of Bangkok for six weeks.

Chiang Mai.  Starting in bottom left corner, moving clockwise: [1] bells for spirits at the Buddhist temple (wat), [2] a view of rice fields from the train, [3] reflection of the sky at the hot springs (you can kinda see the water spewing in the top right corner of the photo), [4] intricate architecture of the temple, [5] more bells and embellishments surrounding the center of the temple, [6] a view of the sky from the top of the hilltribe, and [7] me feeding some bananas to the elephant we met on the side of the road.

This past weekend, I took a trip to the beach city of Pattaya to visit my friend Dana who is serving at a slum ministry there.  It was wonderful to see her face and encourage one another.  Pattaya is a dark and dirty city known for its prostitution and bar atmosphere.  It is trashy in the literal and figurative sense of the word.  Yes, Bangkok is a dark city also, but not so blatantly as Pattaya.   I went to church with Dana while I was there, and I was greatly encouraged by the close-knit (albeit small) Christian community that is working for the Lord there.  Dana is definitely in a place that needs her.  The ministry she works for is an important agent of Light for those living in darkness and poverty.

But, Pattaya is still a beach city, and no matter how much ugliness there is on the surface, the beauty of God's creation is still clearly evident underneath it all.  Dana and I took a day to visit an island just offshore called Koh Lam (Coral Island).  So. Gorgeous.  Not only did we ride a motorcycle taxi for the first time, but we also rented a moped when we go to the island-- only about $6.00 for the whole day!  It was a deal we could not pass up, even though neither of us had ever driven a moped before... so after a shaky attempt on our own, one of the drivers gave us a short lesson.  Then we were off!  It was a relaxing day spent laying in the sun, our toes nestled in the softest sand you've ever felt.  When the tide came in, the clear, blue-green water came all the way up to the edge of our chairs.  We both felt refilled, rejuvenated, and a bit sunburned at the end of the day.  :)

Koh Lam, Pattaya.  Starting in bottom left corner going clockwise: [1] me on a log swing on the beach, [2] a view of the beach from some awesome rocks that were very volcanic looking (though quite painful to stand barefoot on), [3] my feet in the soft sand next to some cool crustation thing, [4] view of the whole beach from the boardwalk entrance, [5] Dana on a motorbike taxi, [6] view of the island from the ferry, and [7] me and Dana at the end of the day.  :)

And may there are many more adventures to come....

hard stuff

There have been a lot of things on my heart and mind lately.  Difficult things.  Painful, confusing, challenging, saddening, eye-opening.......  I find myself thinking/praying/journaling in exasperation  "whew... this is some hard stuff."

But it is also quite revealing.  These are the shaping moments of my life.  These moments--the hardest ones-- are the ones in which I get to grow and learn more about myself and the Lord.  And for that, I am thankful.  I am thankful to have questions that I cannot answer.  I am thankful that not everything in my life can be explained right now.  I am thankful to be in uncharted waters, where the only navigation I have is the Holy Spirit within me.  The Spirit, the breathe of God, that fills and cleanses and gives and dwells.  The Spirit, which I cling to.

It's hard.  But some of the most difficult moments of our lives are also the most beautiful.  For me, it is beautiful because I feel.  Truly, in my core, deep down, I am feeling my experiences.  I am alive, aware, engaged....  I am awake.

And I have the hard stuff to thank for that.

I've been listening to a song that talks about difficult things.... "This isn't easy, this isn't clear... and you don't need Jesus 'til you're here.. then confusion and the doubts you had up and walk away, they walk away.."  I think I would have to agree with the singer.  It is hard to grasp the strength and goodness of the Lord until you realize how weak you really are.  And when you do realize it, there is great freedom.

rongrian pasaa thai

rongrian- school
pasaa- language
thai- Thai (obviously...)

Today, I finished my third week of intensive language school.  I only have one week of school left before I am done and I will start taking up more responsibility at Grapevine, which I am excited about.  It will be a bittersweet parting with language school, though... I love the adventure of walking around downtown Bangkok by myself everyday, and I truly enjoy the company of my fellow classmates (there is a bonding element in making a fool of yourself when trying to pronounce a tonal language).  But the commute is long and tiring and I am missing out on a lot back at Grapevine while I am gone all day-- staff devotions every morning, planning events, running errands, meeting up with students, hanging out on campus....  my job, really.

Life in Thailand as of late has been just that:  life.  And what a relief it is.  My daily patterns are normalizing and I am really beginning to feel as though I live in Thailand, not just visiting.  I don't really have a miraculous story or major spiritual breakthrough to share with you this week, so I will teach you some of the Thai words and phrases I have been learning.

sawat dii kha.
hello, goodbye

chan chuu Grace kha.  khun chuu aray kha?
my name is Grace.  What is your name?

chan khoo cow-pet-guy may say hua hoom say khay song fong kha.
I would like chicken-fried-rice, with no onions, also with two eggs. [my most commonly used phrase ;) ] 

mahaawwitthayaalay
university [my personal favorite]

chan khun rotsongtaaw khun rottuu kap khun rotfayfaa ru duun pay rongrian kha.
In order to go to school, I ride a song-tow, catch a van, then either take the skytrain or walk. [which is what I really do]

thawray
how much? (does something cost)

kii moong leew kha?
what time is it?

sapparot kap teeng moo khun chop aray maak kwaakan kha?
Which one do you like more, pineapple or watermelon?

Don't worry, I know much more than this after three weeks.  We have learned hundreds of vocabulary words and multiple general grammar rules.  But since Thai has its own script (that I will not be learning), it is quite difficult to transliterate.  In order to spell many of the words I wrote above in a way that is true to the vowel, it must be spelled (in English) with characters that do not technically exist in English.  Keep in mind, each of these words has a specific tone (there are 5 of them), and if you say it wrong, it is a different word.  My Thai friends at Grapevine LOVE to help me with my homework.  I am grateful to have native speakers to practice with.... but I suppose that was the point of learning in the first place. :)

Welcome to hongrian nung (classroom 1).  Back row, left to right: Ray from Taiwan, Daniel from Scottland, Ania from Australia (but she's Polish), Igancio from Spain (Ania's husband).  Front row, left to right:  Jason from Taiwan, Mikki from Japan, Khruu (teacher) Uthai from Thailand, me, and Jaya from India.  We have a ton of fun together!  It was khruu Uthai's birthday this day, so we bought her these flowers.  Turns out, you are only supposed to offer these to Buddha at the temple!  Oh well... I think she got a kick out of it. :)

fast forward.

I am a note-taker.  I journal often, scribble my way through sermons, write down verses on pieces of paper to stick in my Bible (where I could just as easily look it up).  If I don't write it down, I usually wont remember it.  Last night, I was looking through a journal from my sophomore year of college to find song lyrics that I remembered writing.  I did not find the lyrics, but I did stumble upon something else...

On March 21st, 2009, Derrick James Rohr III taught a sermon about Jesus as the Humble Deliverer in Mark 11:1-11.  It was a series aimed at answering Jesus' question: "Who do you say I am?"  From these verses, Derrick taught that this picture of the Passion Jesus is the heart of all "Jesus'."  Jesus rides a baby donkey into the city, yet he is still recognized as the Messiah.  It is a climactic moment when Jesus shows great humility, submission, and obedience, but is also considered one of great power and strength.  Jesus had such a quietness about what he was sent to do that nothing else mattered.  We also have access to the power and strength of God just as Jesus did, only by humility, submission, and obedience.  If we accept what Jesus did, we will live a humble and quiet life by the Spirit, which will give us strength and confidence in the Lord.

Later that day, I prayed this:
"Jesus, I ask to learn to know you as my humble deliverer.  I want to learn to be humble, to submit to you, to offer you my devotion.  And from this I ask that you would give me a quiet confidence and strength in you.  I admit, Lord, that I am too unacquainted with the kind of humility that marked your life.  Show me what to do to become that humble."

Fast forward.

I dont feel like looking through my notes for the specific date and topic, but I do remember one Wednesday night at CCF quite well.  Reed Dent talked about how he could know and be confident of the presence of the Holy Spirit in his life because he could see the gradual transformation from darkness to light over the course of time.  He is no longer the same man now that he was before.  Yes, there are some defining moments of faith that are memorable and important, but overall, the work of the Spirit is one that requires long-term abiding.  And the sum of it all-- of all the daily seeking, breathing out of self, and breathing in of the Spirit-- is a changed, new man.  A man who thinks and behaves and loves and learns in a new and better way than he did before.

I remember longing for that perspective during his sermon.  I could see and feel Reed's freedom and joy in being made new-- in being made less like himself and more like Jesus.  I remember praying for faithfulness in abiding, that one day I may also see the work of the Spirit changing my heart over time as Reed talked about in his own heart.

Fast forward.

A couple weeks before I left for Thailand, my dear friend Meegan Hand gave me a book called Humility by Andrew Murray.  As the title indicates, it is about humility.  I have been reading through it slowly, trying hard to soak in all the wisdom it has to offer.  A lot of it is definitely way over my head, but like Meegan, the Lord is using the book to change my heart and my prayer life.  Some of the highlights of the book that have been rocking my world as of late:
-"The life God bestows is imparted not once and for all, but each moment continuously, by the unceasing operation of his mighty power."
-"We must seek a humility that will rest in nothing less than the end and death of self... that seeks the honor that comes from God alone, which absolutely makes and counts itself nothing so that God may be all."
-"Our one need is humility.  Let us believe that what He shows, He gives; what He is, He imparts.  As the meek and lowly Lamb of God, He will come and dwell in the longing heart."
-"The insignificances of daily life are the importances and the tests of eternity because they prove what Spirit really possesses us...  Our humility before God has no value except that it prepares us to reveal the humility of Jesus to our fellow men."
-"The power of a perfect love forgets itself and finds its blessedness in blessing others-- in bearing with and honoring them, however feeble we or they may be."

In this season, I am experiencing many emotions and trials that I have experienced in the past.  In fact, much of my circumstance now is similar to what it was in 2009 around the time of Derrick's sermon.  But the remarkable thing is that I have noticed how different my heart feels this time around than it did then.  As I try to find my place in a new environment, as I nurse a hurting heart over broken relationship and lost fellowship, as I face fundamental questions of the absolute truth and meaning of life, as I attempt to form holy relationships with the people God pre-determined to be a part of my story, I am overwhelmed by His abiding peace.  My soul now has a quiet strength and confidence in the Lord's plan and purpose and sovereignty which was not there before.  Which has never really been there before. 

I feel now, as I prayed for then on the day of Derrick's sermon, that the Spirit really is enabling me to be humble, to submit, to offer devotion-- and find strength in it all.  I see now, as Reed expressed on that Wendesday night, that a transformation has taken place within me... and is still taking place as I abide in Him.  And I seek now, as Meegan has shown me how to do, to continue to allow the Lord to make me new.

Today, I am astounded by the beautiful story my Lord has written for me.

if I speak in the tongues of men

I expected that when I came here, I would learn at least a little bit of the Thai language through everyday experiences and "lessons" with my friends.  More than that, though, I have been given the opportunity to actually study the language in a structured setting.  Even though it is the middle of the semester and going to language school will take up a lot (most) of my time, it is still well worth the effort to commit my time and energy to this right now.  Yes, there are lots of students who speak English, but there are actually not very many who speak it well or confidently.  Already, there have been many times when I wish I could have spoken or understood Thai--and not just to order something with no onions, but to get to know someone better than the few questions they know how to answer: "where are you from?... what do you study?... want to play a card game?......"  Relationships can only grow so deep over Uno and Jenga.  Thai is a very difficult language-- a Sanskrit derivative, it is tonal, has its own alphabet, and uses many sounds and dipthongs that English does not.  I will by no means be fluent in a year, but for the length of time I am here, a daily part of my job and my ministry will be language learning.

Before even getting very far into language-learning, God has already given me an encouraging reminder of the power and importance that His love plays in the entire process. 
"If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have prophetic powers, understand mysteries and all knowledge; if I have the faith to move mountains but have not love, I am nothing."   -1 Corinthians 13:1-2
Quite literally, for me, if I pour myself into learning Thai-- "the tongues of men"--but do not that much moreso pour myself into loving the students I am trying to converse with, it means nothing.  It does nothing.  I am reminded of my first blog post.  The way to share light and life with others is to love them.  Genuinely, unconditionally,and urgently love.  Love, for the day is near.  Love, because it is the greatest thing that any of us can do.  Love, because it has the power to transcend culture and language.

I went to a Globalscope conference just before I came to Thailand, and someone I met there said this: "Our job is to look for where God's love is already present in other people's lives, and name it for them."  Would you pray with me that not only would I be able to love the people around me with God's love, but that I would also see his love poured out on me through those same people.  And when that happens, that I would be able to name it for them.  In any language.

A really cool part of language school is that I have to travel there by myself.  Each morning, I take a song-tow (song means "two," tow means "row"--> so, its a truck with two rows of seats in the back) to another bus stop, then I get on a van to go into the city to be dropped off at Victory Monument.  From there, I walk to get on the BTS (a sky train, similar to a subway), get off at the Ratchetewi station, then walk the rest of the way to Union Language School.  It takes about an hour and a half.  Maybe a few minutes more or less depending on if I stop at 7-eleven for a snack.  There are as many 7-elevens in Bangkok as there are Jimmy John's and Starbucks in downtown Chicago.  Combined.  No joke.  Three days a week I will go to a second language lesson in the afternoons that I can walk to from Union.  Then repeat it all to go home.  The whole process is an adventure and I thoroughly enjoy the hustle and bustle to wake me up in the morning.  I am learning my way around one of the largest cities, busiest in the world.  :)

Taken from a walking bridge around 1 PM today at Victory Monument-- a transportation hub in Bangkok.  Traffic is usually much worse than this in the morning or the evening when people travel in and out of the city.  This is a very familiar scene for me.

"I am the good shepherd"

"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep."  -John 10:9-11

I am a sheep.

I am known by my shepherd and he is known by me.  He calls me by my name and leads me out, and I listen to his voice and follow him.  One of the things I love most about this passage is that it is in the present tense.  It takes place in the "now."  It is ongoing, moment-by-moment.  This has been such a comfort to me as I have traveled such a difficult path... such an unknown path.  I also like that sheep are simple-minded animals.  I doubt that sheep sit around worrying about the future or fret over where the shepherd is leading them.  I think that most sheep are probably pretty content just to follow and let the shepherd do the work.  All that matters to a sheep in each moment is that when she looks up, the shepherd is there with her-- no matter what the terrain of the path they are on.


God is teaching me to have the heart of a sheep... and it is oh-so-freeing.. :)  He is teaching me to trust him in each moment, allowing me to focus on what is happening around me exactly where I am.  I still could not tell you why I am in Thailand, except that this is the path that the shepherd is currently leading me on.  I cannot control the future, but only react to what is placed before me today.  And today, the Lord has assured me of his presence and his sovereignty.


In many ways, I also do the work of a shepherd.  In the same passage of John, Jesus says,
"I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd."
I am here to be the light of Christ in a dark place.  I am here to allow him to work through me however he chooses to.  In Matthew 9, Jesus looks out on the crowds and 
"had compassion on them, for they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."
I also look out and have compassion for those who are helpless and harassed... for sheep such as myself who are desperately sought after by the Good Shepherd, but have not yet realized the safety of his fold.  I see the thief.. killing, stealing, destroying.  It is heart-breaking.

My prayer is that I would be able to model the Good Shepherd-- that I would truly learn to lay down my life for my fellow sheep, by his love and his strength.   And that he would continue to teach me to live fully in trust, submitting to him in each moment, by his grace.


I am making more friends here and slowly beginning to feel more like a part of the Grapevine community.  After our event on Tuesday night, my new friend Enjoy gave me a hug before she left.  It made my day.  :)  Next week I begin an intensive language study program that will require me to travel to Bangkok everyday of the week.  It will be tiring for sure, but I am excited for the adventure of it all.  :)


Thank you so much for your prayers.  Love you all.

Enjoy, me, and Lauren (an exchange student from Georgia) just before we went on a boat tour of Bangkok.  It was a splendid afternoon.  Also, I have a caramel latte in my pocket. ;)

your right hand will hold me fast

I have been in Thailand for one week.  It has gone by quickly, but it also feels like I have been here for a long time.  I have made friends with the American exchange students and even with a few Thai students.  On Thursday evening I went to an open-air market with my new friend Jub (pronounced joop) where they sell a large assortment of freshly cooked Thai food and many other goods such as clothes and jewelry.  I got chicken-on-a-stick and sticky rice.  I think I am going to like Thai food. ;)  Afterward, me and Jub and some other students went to go see Harry Potter at a movie theater in a mall.  It was a good evening and I look forward to spending many more in the same way.

Me and Jub eating dinner before the movie.  You can tell how hot it is by the sweat dripping off my face.

This week has been full of many different thoughts and emotions.  Before I actually got here, I always thought of this year in Thailand as an opportunity to serve in the Kingdom where there is a need.  It is not like God dropped a map of Thailand out of the sky and I felt an overwhelming calling to come here.  It just felt like a choice that I made-- an attempt, rather, to take a risk and allow the Lord to use my weakness.  Of course, God's plan and purpose is in every choice I make, but it has been hard this week to see his purpose in sending me to a place that does not feel like home and that is so far away from the relationships I hold most dear to me.  I have struggled this week with trusting God to take care of my heart in this season of challenge.

Today, I was brave enough to venture out on my own.  I didn't go very far... just to the Thammasat University campus nearby where most of the students who come to Grapevine go to college.  On my walk to campus, I found myself asking "God, what am I doing here?..."  I went to the post office then sat down at some tables nearby to journal and pray, asking God the same question and waiting for an answer.  I am a fidgeter, so naturally, I chewed on my pen and took off my rings while I looked around me, taking in my surroundings.  I looked down at the ring in my hand and was surprised by what I saw-- something I had never noticed.  It is a ring that my mom gave me for my sixteenth birthday and that I do not normally wear.  I just so happened to pick it out of my jewelry box as I was packing for Thailand to replace a blue plastic ring I had that broke.

Engraved on the inside of the ring:  "Thailand."

Wow.  Immediately, Psalm 139 came to my mind:

You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways. 
Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

It was as if the Lord were saying to me "Grace, I knew about this.  I planned this.  You are exactly where I want you to be.  I have a purpose for you here and I promise that I am with you.  I hold you by my right hand and I will never let you go.  Trust me."

It is such a good feeling to know that God is in control, even when I have no idea why or how or what he is doing.  All that matters is that he is with me.  It was a wonderful moment. :)  I want to thank you for your prayers.  Please continue to pray with me that I would be confident of the Lord's purpose for me here in the Land of Smiles.

Pray that I would be awake.